Dead Robot

• Just after getting my drivers license, a girl ran into my dad’s car while on her bike when she was cycling the wrong way along a one way street. I moved out into the intersection and she t-boned the side of the car, sliding across the hood. She got up and continued without comment. I nearly never drove again after that.

• I had to shoo a bat out of the TV room because my two older brothers were too scared to.

• I once tried to convince my mom that the pot plant in my bedroom was “a vine” I got from my sister.

• I would talk to an abandoned car while walking home from school. Thankfully it never talked back.

• I wanted Michael Shilkin to actually die from the cancer he lied to us about having.

• Of the three female nipples I’ve tasted, two were alarmingly odd in flavour.

• I suspected my parents of having elaborate dinner parties to swap partners, not actually to advance their social standing in backwater Brockville.

• My brother’s girlfriend once called my ass “Cute”. In my entire life, my ass has never received any higher compliment other than “cute”.

• As a teen, I didn’t mind chores. But I did try constantly to get out of them.

• From ages 15 to 17, I had Star Wars wallpaper. One girl I dated and invited up to my teenage smelling room, gave me such grief for having character-based decorating skills that she let slip that our class president at the time, had Batman pajamas.

• It wasn’t until my 43rd birthday that I realized the slut I dated in high school knew that the class president had kiddie pjs by way of spending the night at his place somehow.