Thank You! Th-th-th-ank You!

General

The McDonalds near my office got new garbage cans!

I was sitting near one at lunch today and I could hear a tinny sampled “Thank you!” every so often. It would happen every time someone walked by the garbage can and I concluded that it had some sort of motion sensor in it, offering thanks everytime someone walked by.

It came time to dispose of my trash and I walked up to the can. It had a twonie sized red dot just above the garbage flap. As I got closer, I got the “Thank you!” loud and clear.

And then the flap opened all by itself.

It creeped me out. Voop! Open went the “mouth” and in went my trash. I didnt have to touch the usually Secret Sauce covered flap. As I walked away, the maw closed slowly and I wondered if it was possible to put a “burp” file in there after it closed.

Cruisin’ Day 1 – Miami, FL

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Our plane hit the tarmac in Miami just after 3pm and we came out of the airport to somewhat heavy heat. Our taxi ride to the hotel was stop and go over into South Beach but we did pass by the cruise ship terminal where I got to see a Carnival ship (boo hiss!).

best western miami

The Best Western on Washington St should be avoided at all cost. It may boast Art Deco and competitive rates but it certainly doesn’t offer anything else beyond that. The pool is 5 feet away from a street as busy as Bay St! The room smelled weird and the front desk guy (who seemed to live behind the desk the entire 24 hours we spent there) would not cash USD$ travellers cheques. But you know what? We didn’t spend that much time in the room other than to sleep (we were so tired there could have been a knife fight outside the door and we would have missed it) and to shower. So it was fine but no great shakes. After dumping our luggage we took off to wander the streets of Miami’s South Beach.

cool!
Amazing architecture! The colours and shapes were amazing to see and I was glad that we took the extra day to see it all. The damage to Miami didn’t seem too bad but there were a few blown out windows and missing sign letters.

blue fountain lobby
The main strip was fun to walk down and watch the rich tourists wander in and out of posh, pastel neon lit lobby bars. In this particular hotel, I felt like I was walking right back into a ’50s hotel. We were later chased out of the hotel by security thugs. Sheesh!

colourful
Colourful characters lined the boardwalk. It was a real party town. We ate like kings at Outback Jack’s and had a long walk in the near full moon light along the beach. I was really looking forward to getting on the ship!

shi
Tune in tomorrow for more!

Gallery pics.

Irie Mon!

General

Hello from Ocho Rios, Jamaica!

Im sitting in a cafe with a Red Stripe, looking at the back end of our ship and we just got back from Dunn’s River Falls where Sharkboy and I successfully climbed the falls without falling and cracking our heads open!

We saw three different James Bond sets so far.

Yesterday, Labadee, was wet but good. Not the best day so far but relaxing on a private beach…more later.

Dinners are incredible exercises in excess. There are at least 4 restaurants on every level all offering food 24/7. Americans are walking pharm commercials as we have breakfast with different ones every day and they all want to talk about their sea sickness pills. Sharkboy has managed to offened every American at every meal sitting by mentioning movies that were touchy subjects:

To the Marines couple: Hey have you seen Jarhead yet?

Mr & Mrs Jarhead: (Icily) No.

To the Couple from Utah: Hey have you seen Napoleon Dynamite yet?

Mr & Mrs Mormons:( Icily) No. Never mention that stupid movie again.

To the Brit Couple Who Were Not Having ANY Fun: Hey what’s happening on Corrie?

Mr & Mrs CSI, Thank You Very Much: (Icily) We only watch American TV.

Bless him for trying.

The ship is amazing. Definetly going back next year on a different ship (I said typed “boat” and got a maragrita-soaked hand to the back of my head just now). The weather could be better, we’re running a day ahead of a tropical storm so the skies are iffy.

“I’m drunky!” says Sharkboy over my shoulder

More later. I need to wipe out the spam.

We Innerupt This Reggularly Scheduled Rant

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I switched on my old dear friend Beigiey The Computer last night and it woke up and asked “Who am I?”

The drive that held the operating system wasn’t spinning. Thankfully the storage drive was unaffected. Never purchased cheap drives from that “big” refurbished computer parts store on College by Spadina, no matter how seductive the price, is all I’m saying. It lasted a day over the warranty.

Sharkboy’s iBoob is letting me talk to you today. All Hail Jobs!

I am half way through re-installing all the programs and should resume the Cruise story by Thurs night.

Stay tuned for Haitian sorrows, food of the Gods, kissing the ‘Rays, an announcement to upset the right-wingers and a leap of faith in the Belize jungle.

Sorry for the innconnvennience.

Cruisin’ Part II – The Radiance of the Seas

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The cab driver drops us at the terminal and we’re greeted by Ramon who cheerfully tags our luggage and accepts a $5 tip (from here on in, folks, everything is in US Dollars, k?). We pass through security and giddily check in. To get on the ship we must pass through one of the thousand or so “photo ops” that will take place through out our vacation (available for $10 at the Photo Shop, onboard!). Later, we find this instance and I look like I am shitting a brick because I can see the ship just in front of me and I WANT TO GET ON IT NOW! Plus, I am wearing The Shirt. The Shirt is the shirt I am wearing in every single piece of ID I own. A green and blue plaid short sleeved number that can be seen on my passport, drivers ID, Health card, and IATA card. Weird cowinkydink.

ShipWe enter The Radiance of the Seas.

I hold back tears of joy. For a ship, it is the nicest hotel I have ever stayed in, but the room was so small I had to go outside just so I could turn around. We played with every single knob, button, lightswitch, safe combination, balcony door handle and tv remote in the room.

The room fills with an announcement that we have to put on our life jackets and head down to level 6. See, we had to complete a drill by law before we could set sail. I looked fat.

The announcements continue and we hear the ship’s Cruise Director for the first time tell us about the thousands of things happening that evening. A pleasant chap who ended every announcement with a fast, conspiratory “bing bong!” Like he wasn’t suppose to do that, but did it anyway as a joke. Funny.

Back in the cabin, we dump the life jackets and start to explore. Top to bottom. At one point we found the near-24hr all you can eat buffet called The Windjammer Cafe. My heart nearly lept out of my chest as we passed by all the salads and burgers and pizzas and cold cuts. I wiped away a tear of joy as we passed by the soft ice cream machine. “No money?” I ask Sharkboy, the lump in my throat making my voice squeak.

deck 11
“No money needed,” he says. I immediately start a plan to remove the small couch in our cabin and replace it with the ice cream machine…

We wander to the bow of the ship to watch The Radiance leave Miami. Beautiful sun, laughing crowds and a million Englishmen with camcorders surrounded us. The ship did a sharp 180 turn in the bay (thanks to it’s two rotating propeller pods) and as soon as we were pointing east, we were treated with 25MPH winds in our face. And then the clouds came. We saw the sun for the last time for close to 24 hours. A light rain fell. And then it rained harder. The wind picked up. Sharkboy and I ran from the deck, right behind the first “other two gay guys” on the ship. Die hard romantics to the end.

We got dried off and got ready for dinner. Table for 12. We sat with some really nice people. Two couples from California (moderately liberal, gregarious, covered in jewelery, and happy to be there), a couple from England (on their second week of travelling on the Radience), and a couple from Nadick, outside of Boston. The last two seats were never filled. Who knows where they were.

CentriumWe ate like kings. We ate like GODS. We ate the souls of innocent societies with gravy. We ate enough for a small army. Okay… *I* ate enough for a small army. The dining room was lifted right from the Posideon Adventure, except that there was no Xmas tree or a big glass lightpanel to fall through if (when?) the ship were to turn over.

We wandered the ship to work off dinner. When they say “floating hotel” they aren’t exaggerating. The elevators chimed happily (“Deck 7!” the elevator would say with a wide smile behind the tone and I would finish it of with “…the happiest deck on the ship!” It was very Heart of Gold). The wind was terrific and the ship rocked more than Sharkboy could remember from his last trip. It was a bit disconcerting that a ship that large could scoot around that much but the staff were laughing and having a good time so I felt at ease. I didnt feel sick but I did get a bit of a head ache from trying to stay “upright” on such hard chop.

We went to the Aurora Theatre and watched the first night’s show. Somewhere between Canada’s Wonderland and Vegas, this little theatrical gem was born, a show called “Piano Man” that paid hommage to Billy Joel, Manilow, Elton and for some bizzare reason, Wizard of Oz. Eh. What can you do? Big kudos to the dancers for being able to flip and twirl while the ship rocked so much. Bed was before midnight.

The Gallery Grows!

Sunday Night Quick Shots

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Is it wrong that I wanted to laugh hysterically when Harry Potter said “When Voldermort and I touched wands in the graveyard…”?

There are some pretty boring people out there. My fave commercial played before Harry Potter and the Advancement of Story: the Virgin Xmas cell phone ad (the one with the stuffed reighndeer). While the girl hissed like an angry cat, the people behind us tsk-ed and poo poo-ed it, not “getting it”. They later revealed (in conversation during the trailers) they all worked as lawyer underlings, so no big surprise that their humour is stunted.

My other fave commercial is the Future Shop hommage to a Kraftwerk video with two shop clerks repeating “get it for less…guaranteed!” over and over. Funny!

I bought short cropped cop’s leather gloves yesterday, like the ones Ponch wears on C.H.i.P.S. Sexy.

MLT was a good time last night. The music was fun from song one and the comedienne was funny. She was no Elvria, but funny. No surprise that the body and not the brain was voted Mr Leatherman Toronto. Two people on stage made a point of scolding the gay community for letting drugs take over. Finally. Backbone! And what was up with closing one of the washrooms right when the place started to fill up and putting a washroom attendant in the only open one? Sharkboy was shooed out of the women’s despite the fact that there were about one woman to 100 men at this event. Methinks its time to move that venue or to suggest some changes in policy. I gave the evening 8.5 out of ten.

And speaking of music: remember when I was all drooly over Dayglo radio? Its back under a different name: Nigelradio.com! (that’s iTunes>Radio>70s & 80s> Nigel Radio (80s With Attitude). They’ve even salvaged the same station ID movie samples from Dayglo!

Cruisin’ Part III – At Sea and Labadee

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Part I – Miami
Part II – The Radiance of the Seas

Sharkboy and I barely slept all night. The wind picked up and howled outside our balcony door making the cabin sound like a windtunnel at a Honda Element testing plant. We wake to smooth rolling waves and somewhat overcast skies and discover that the balcony door was open ever so slightly causing the snarling wind noises. Closing the patio doors really helps keep the noise down!

We wander down to the dining room for breakfast and sit with a nice group of people (see previous mid-week post of Sharkboy’s attempts to create a common ground conversation). We ate and then wandered to the top deck to see Cuba. We go back to the room and got our sunbathing kits together.

sundeck 1

The wind had picked up to about 45mph and the sundeck chairs would not stay open, towels wound up somewhere aft of the ship and drinks were knocked over. We set up beside a nice couple. I fell asleep instantly and the couple next to us gave up on the windy sunbathing. Meanwhile a group of 4 women arrive just as the deck begins to fill up. They noisily decide to take over three seats to our right and one seat to our left. This, of course, wakes me and I open my mouth to offer moving over one so they could be all together, but the singular left side lady starts to whine and complain and so I shut my mouth. Let her complain. Not one of them asked us to move so we didn’t offer. After a couple hours of them yapping between us, ordering drinks and arguing as to who was going to pay for them, we gave up and vacated the chairs. As we were leaving, they joked with us (finally acknowledging our existance) that our seats were “so taken”. “Where are you from?” Sharkboy asks.

sundeck 2

“Hamilton. Ontario!” the leader pipes up.

“We’re from Toronto. That will be $10” Sharkboy says without hesitation.

We all laugh. Ha. Ha.

At this point I should stress that if we ask you to come with us on a cruise and create a group, we would have one major rule: you have no obligation to do what we’re doing and expect us not to follow you around either. These women could not do anything without each other. Hive mind, you know.

The rest of the day was a blur of eating, walking, $20 or so in the slot machines, some onboard shopping and bingo. $35 each bingo! And we won nothing! However, the caller was English and I believe that if Bingo ever becomes an Olympic sport, the English will bury us. The caller had 1000s of readymade expressions for call numbers and situations. “B-11! The two sexiest legs on sea!” or when they were confirming winning numbers (rapid fire, no pauses):
Checker: “B-2”
Caller: “That’s good.”
Checker: “I-20”
Caller: “That’s good.”
Checker: “Freespace”
Caller: “Cheater!”
Etc etc… He made spending $70 so quickly so fun!

Dinner (and every dinner after) was a combination of recounting the night’s and day’s adventures (gambling wins, drinking contests, cigars smoked, shopping conquests). All through dinner, the ship rocked and wind whipped spray up onto the deck around the windows.

We went to the Aurora Theater again for Bill Haley’s Happy Days show. Who is Bill Haley? Why he wrote and performed a little ditty called Happy Days (however, he didn’t sing the TV theme version). He was fun, energetic and I enjoyed it more than the previous night’s show. After one last wander of the decks, we snuck up to the Seaview Cafe and got take-away (risking having our plates ripped from our hands at 50mph winds) and watched a movie while nodding off. Life was good!

labadee

The next day, we throw back the curtains to Labadee! Royal Caribbean’s owned island off the coast of Haiti with ample beaches and waterpark for the kids. We opted to just get a chair on the beach and not do any of the excursions so we were one of the first people off the boat that morning. Our tender boat hit the docks and the skies opened up with torrential rain and we stood under a palapas until it slowed to a gentle spit. We wandered up the beach, looking at shells and sand and 4 metre high waves on the ocean side of Labadee’s jutty. We quickly learned that Labadee’s sandy coast was laced with large coral rock making our need for watershoes paramount if we were to venture out into the water.

gay ship

We got two loungers and sat under a palapas at Hidden Beach which faced the ship. It was nice and dispite the rain, I was happy. When the rain stopped, we wandered down to the “marketplace” to see what was for sale. We were warned of their sales tactics but nothing could prepare us for the verbal assault given to us by the salesmen. It started by us walking by the closed market and a guy calling to us saying “You guys need anything?”

“We’re walking right now, we’ll come back,” says Sharkboy.

“You need water shoes?”

We’re stunned, how did he know? We had discussed getting a pair before hitting Jamaca, our next stop, and thought we would pick some up then. We agree to see what he’s got inside the long, low cabin and before we enter he says in all seriousness “Follow me, and don’t talk to anyone even if they start talking to you.” After hasitly buying the shoes, we literally had to fight our way out. They were relentless with their calls for attention. Not a good way to sell to Canadians: trying to be polite quickly dissolved to rude ignorance to their calls for attention and walking away was the only way to avoid their sales pitches. Before this, I felt like the Haitians were angry that we were there, even before they tried to sell us stuff. Now I was pretty sure they were bitter at the presence of tourists.

sharkboy and ship

We get back to our private-ish beach and discover that Sharkboy’s shoes were actually pink and mine were “previously worn”. Ew. I shrugged and put my head down and slept. At least I had added to the island’s economy a bit. We woke to the sun cracking through the clouds and we put on our “new” shoes and ventured into the somewhat choppy water. Frolic! After a while, Sharkboy says “Is there a plastic bag in the water?” and I simotaneously yell “JELLYFISH!!” We leave the water quickly. The dang thing was brushing up against our legs when I noticed and had not got it’s stingers around to us. My left thigh was covered in goo. Great. Humped by a jellyfish.

Leaving Labadee

During the BBQ lunch, a huge BBQ for the couple hundred people off the ship, with carved watermellons, burgs and dogs, fruits and cakes, I noticed a couple janitors cleaning up the big dining area who were alarmingly skinny and I wondered how many workers at Labadee were HIV+. Haiti has the greatest amount of HIV cases in all of the Caribbean and I wondered how much Royal Caribbean’s presence in Labadee was helpful yet a hinderance. I pondered this all day and couldn’t decide either way.

We stayed as long as we could and as long as the sun tried to stay out. We were back on the ship by 4pm. I did have a good time but I couldn’t shake this feeling of dissapointment and a bit of sadness towards Labadee/Haiti. Given the chance, I would probably choose not to go back there.

Before the formal dinner we got our picture taken with the Captain. The poor poor captain who looked like a carboard cutout by the time we posed with him. His face was a mask of stern patience and offered us a curt handshake. As the photographer took the picture, the captain’s hand was literally pushing us out the way for the next couple. We found out during dinner that the Speedboat tour was so choppy, necks were sore and people got wet from high spray. The tour was nearly rained out (or should have been) and we guessed that sitting on the beach was probably the best.

We skip the show (a tribute to 50s and 60s music and wander the ship. Again back up to the Seaview cafe for hand-delivered cabin service and a movie before bed.

Rub my gallery and watch it grow.