My first day without a job. I went in and cleaned out my desk and handed over the keys. It felt good. Last night was a good fun bar shift. Near the end there were 9 guys around my bar and some of them I have had sex with (and would again) and the others I would have liked to. At one point I had a guy with a huge foreskin kneeling on top of my bar, serving shooters out of it. Here’s a tip for you bar-going types: If the bartender buys you a drink, don’t tell him you find the busboy attractive. A guy did just that to me after I bought him the drink. I then put on my best liar-face and proceeded to explain that the busboy was a female to male transgender and if you didnt believe me, look at the eyes and hands. Oh, and ask him outright, he’s very very proud of being transgendered. I then stirred the pot more by going over to the busboy and saying “That guy at the end of the bar likes you…he wants to know your background.” So the busboy went over and struck up a conversation. You should have seen the guy’s eyes as he went from the busboy’s face, hands, hairy forearms, back to his face…looking for any signs of femininity. I will miss that job.

I went and saw Texas Chainsaw Massacre this evening. It was like watching a American Eagle Outfitters fashion commercial for the first 20 minutes and then BAM in walks R. Lee Ermey as the sherrif. Someone must have given him acting lessons after Full Metal Jacket because he pretty much stole the show, other than Jennifer Beal’s boobies.

I got some news yesterday on a thing that I cant talk about yet Im bursting to blab. I want it so bad its palitable. It would raise my spirits and make me settled and quite possibly let me sleep more than 7 hrs a night. Oh and challenge me personally and emotionally. I will reveal more later.

So Im stumbling around in the dark before bed and I fully completely stepped in cat hoark. It was still warm. It looked like grey ground beef that had been boiled and rolled across the kitchen floor. You can well imagine I was gagging.

Email from Mike: (I’m posting it here, succesfully stealing content from his blog)

• Current CD: I – Supreme Beings of Leisure
• Current book beside toilet: Best American Short Stories 2000
• Current Game in PS2: Vice City
• Current favorite cat: I love them both DUH!!!!
• Current Gameboy Game: Ben Tover and the Ass Bandits
• Current Fave food: cheese & mayo sammiches
• Current time I find myself cursing myself for not going to bed sooner: 1A.M. PACIFIC STANDARD TIME
• Current gauge: 38w
• Current voltage: very high indeed

Urban Myth or just a rumour? Customer at the bar told me how a really drunk friend of his called him at 3am a while back to tell him that he found false teeth on the floor of the Eagle (the bar I work at). Im oddly thrilled.

I think that the way guys sit in the sauna is reflective of what species of monkeys they evolved from.

For example, the other day there was a guy with one leg up against his chest, heel nearly touching his ass, arm draped across his knee. Bottom lip jutting out at all other sweaty apes in the sauna. I suspect he came from chimps. I imagine him sniffing his heel and falling backwards off the bench and creating an internet meme.

There was another guy laid out flat on his back like a mortician’s dream. From the genus “sloth” I am sure.

I sit there and try to get my belly to touch wood. Not “wood” you sick bastard. I mean bench-you-sit-on wood. That makes me a gorilla.

Sharkboy fiddles with is doodlehootie while he sits there. I think he’s a howler monkey.

…at the Fashion Cares Press Conference with Jann Arden and Pamela Anderson:

Jann Arden: “I’m really not known for anything except, of course, my sex tape that came out a couple of …”

Pamela Anderson: “–Yeah, everyone’s got one.”

Jann: “Yeah, but mine … I was just alone,”

Later, when asked if she’s seen a Bollywood movie, Ms Anderson said: “…when I got here I was like … you spelled Hollywood wrong. What’s Bollywood?”

I love her!

When I was a kid I was obsessed with that grainy film of Bigfoot looking back at the camera as he (she?) trundled off into the woods.

Now you too can keep a sharp eye out for him! (via BoingBoing) The camera cycles through three spots somewhere in Northern California. I want to go hiking up there to stand in front of one of the cameras wearing a X-file Grey alien costume, reading Martha Stewart Living.

“And mummy will pack up all his stuff and put it on the street.” — Woman to her dog at 6am as Sharkboy and I trundled off to the gym.

“The Greeks and the French are the same. We just don’t give a shit.” — Wasn’t sure if he was Greek or French.

Girl: “Are you wearing eyeliner?” Mom: “Would you shut up?” — Mom ‘n daughter bonding moment.

Busty woman to old waiter at The Studio Restaraunt: “Do I look tired to you?” Waiter: (pauses, obviously wondering if this is some sort of trick)”…You do look… a bit…” Woman: “I have been up all night!”

I’ve been waking up all week with a bit of a sore throat and this morning I really didn’t want to go to work. I walked Sharkboy to his office and then wandered over to the Subway where all bedlam was breaking loose.

I went down to the northbound platform, passed the yelling TTC guard: “All Southbound trains from Eglinton to Bloor are not in operation!!” When I get down there another guard is yelling “All Northbound trains from Bloor to Eglinton are not running!”

I wander out onto the street where the busses are to pick up us stranded travellers. I swear there were close to 400 people waiting for busses that weren’t there.

I sigh. I find a payphone and call work and white lie about my throat and the trains and my supervisor, blessherheart, says “Riiiight! See you tomorrow!” and hangs up.

I’m in my underwear, working freelance and I’m making ice cream right now with my new Salton machine I got for my birthday. I so want to start working at home these days…

WEEEE!!!

I’m starting to close off the Comments after two weeks from posting. The Galleries will have sporatic comment availablility. I’m starting to get comment spam and I’m not gonna spend the rest of my life pressing Antispam buttons. Sorry kids. That’s the way the internet works I guess.

I offer up to the Interweb these print/web comic ideas since I have no time to get them started. Feel free to develop them to your liking, just make sure you put “Created by Dead Robot!” (yes, with exclamation point). Some skate close to pre-copywritten things but you can cry “fair use” to weasle out.

Space 1998
A year before the tragic nuclear accident that blasts the Moon away from Earth’s orbit has the construction crew building Moonbase Alpha run up against:

• bad budget choices (we can only afford zippers long enough for shoulder access into these jumpsuits)
• a time travelling Maya, who is actually responsible for the toxic waste build up that shoots the moon towards her planet – she was bored and wanted to get away from her over-bearing father
• interpersonal relationship arcs (one worker is obsessed with Commander John Koenig but on the day he takes over the base, she’s relocated back to Earth)

Manky Kitty Estates
Taken from a tossed away line from Corination Street, MKE is about the life of British 20somethings living in a decrepid council flat:

• characters include a hypochondriac who firmly believes in Hemography, a gym obsessed woman who is determined to steal David Beckham away from Posh Spice, a completely unfunny comedian and the straight laced, unfunny one
• Story arcs include: the flat is suspected to be haunted; a council member tries to get it on with one (or all) of the flatmates; renovation day (!); a Door to door evangelist goes missing making everyone suspect each other…
• the flat eventually will be demolished for a Tescos

B.E.: Life under the Psychlos
Human characters from Battlefield Earth outwit and outsmart the Psychlos in this remix of Hogan’s Heros.

I’ve spent a total of 27++ hours in a car this weekend in a return trip to Sharkboy’s sister’s house in Vermont (via a quick pick up/drop off of his parents and aunt just south of Montreal). I still can’t believe I only took one picture. One picture!

The trip was good. It was nice to get out of the city and see his family again but I was on the tail end of a cold and all I was in the mood for was soup, a blanket and brainless TV. When we got there, we dumped our luggage, grabbed Sharkboy’s nefew, Shawn and spent two hours in Best Buy rummaging around the DVDs and doo dahs. I picked up the Oblong Complete Series DVD, which I think isn’t available in Canada yet. Also a cable to start burining all my 1980’s English import records to CD and a set of reflective headphones for my iPod. We then wandered a grocery store and lectured Shawn on how lame Canadian food shopping is. But in retrospect I like Canadian grocery stores because it’s not in-your-face, olestra-is-good, or completely desperately capitalistic, like American food shopping is. It’s almost like Canada is eating to survive and Americans are (toot ta ta tooot!) EATING! I can’t really put my finger on it. Maybe its because Ontario doesn’t sell liquor beside Gatorade.

I think we also spent a great amount of time in front of TV screens that were the size of one of The Bluenose’s sails (how’s that for Canadian content?). Sharkboy’s brother-in-law has a video rental distribution business and therefore has two large TVs to sample his product. In one of his storage closets in his basement, he has many, many 60L rubbermaids full of movies. At random I pulled out a DVD called VOLCANO DISASTER which had “Disaster” in such small letters it was obvious that bored, drunk or blind Vermontians looking for a disaster film would have picked it up thinking it was Tommy Lee Jones’ Volcano. It was like DVD store phishing!

Coming home was rough. We stopped in Montreal on Monday morning to grab some petit dejeuner and we were treated to seeing all the Black and Blue sketchies walking down Sainte-Catherine, shivering heavily in their skintight wet tees in the 13C morning air. Ha! After that we hit the highway and for some reason, all weekend, I had bad car-narcolepsy. If I wasn’t driving, I was nodding off, no matter how loud the stereo was. I think it was a combo of the cold medicine and accumulated lack of sleep the week before. Poor Sharkboy. So on the last leg (Montreal to Toronto) I drove. Now, I know that the 401 is a major highway but I have never experienced stop-n-go traffic from Kingston to Toronto. Seriously. It wasnt even raining all that hard to make the traffic to slow so much. It was pure volume. Spooky how much traffic there was.

We came home and dumped the luggage and went out to Big Momma’s Boy on Parliament. I think I was a bit short to the owner because she was proudly announcing how gluten free and organic everything on the menu was and I said “We just spent 10 hours in a car from Montreal” and she aburptly stopped her sales pitch. The food was delish and I would go back in a second but I was so tired that I don’t think I completely enjoyed the actual taste of it.

At home, we got into bed by 9pm and I swear, I could still feel the vibration of the car on my backside.

That was my weekend. How was yours?