Category Archives: You Stupid Dick

Walking in rhythm

Distractions, Toronto, You Stupid Dick Leave a reply

I hit the streets some mornings at 5:30am to get to the gym at a decent, non-busy hour.

This morning, I’m approaching the streetcar stop at Sherbourne and Carlton when I spy a young couple kissing in a doorway.

Only, they’re not just kissing.

He’s in a tailored suit. It looks good on him. He’s young and very… energetic. He’s all over her face like he’s just run out of Bath Salts. It’s like her face was a pumpkin pie and he had attended his first vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner. It was like he was a clean kitty and she was a dirty kitty…. you get it.

She… wasn’t pretty. I’m being kind. If you think I’m cruel, then I have no other way to say, politely, that she wasn’t attractive.

They were going at it like Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks but without the blinds.

At first glance I noticed all this, then my ex-catholic side kicked in and I averted my eyes. Then I looked back because… there it was in front of me anyway.

Her face was dirty. Like – coal miner dirty.

Now, it’s dark at 5:30am. She may have just been concealed in shadow, or she had actually come off a mining shift somewhere in Downtown Toronto. But she looked dirty.

I averted my eyes again.

In my head I imagined this is what the final scene in Casablanca would look like if filmed today.

I has a sad

Tech, You Stupid Dick 2 Replies

allergicIn the last month I’ve come across a few news stories that make me wonder if parents are teaching kids that it’s ok to blame other people for their own stupidity.

Like the parents who want Tide to change their laundry detergent packs into something less colourful because kids are eating them. Google it. Apparently there are hundreds of kids dying every second of the day because parents are not storing these pods high up enough on shelves. Or keeping an eye on them long enough so that they can move stacks of books into place to get up to where parents have hidden them.

Or the parents who just haven’t taught their kids to NOT EAT LAUNDRY DETERGENT.

The news is littered with stories like this. And ladies and gentlemen, here is where I get up on my front porch and yell at anyone within shouting distance:

When I was a kid (Oh here he goes…) we had toys that would shoot pointed plastic darts out of them. Right at your eye if you weren’t paying attention. We had toys that would heat plastic to dangerous temperatures so that you could make rubbery spiders you would throw at your sister. When I was a kid we had one freakishly scary cartoon PSA on PBS warning kids about the danger of the stuff under the sink. Where the soundtrack would make me wet myself if I even heard one second of it.

Tonight, CTV news did a story about parents who believe their children to be “electrosensitive” and are fighting to ban WiFi signals in school.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Seriously. Electo – Senstive. Meaning the parents believe that their children are allergic (?!) to WiFi signals. Or some such shit. I googled it and came across so much bullshit Facebook posts that I thought I was going to cry.

Thought: how are parents actually posting to FaceBook about this crap while their kids are in the same house? I digress.

I wish only the worst for these parents. I want them to wildly wonder why their kids are being left behind when it comes to career opportunities that involve new technologies. I want these parents to wonder why their kids are shoveling shit.

Whew. Ok. Done. Move along.

I Love A Parade

501st, You Stupid Dick 3 Replies

Elizabeth Payne over at the Ottawa Citizen decides that she’s going to gripe about the quality of Santa Clause parade the City of Ottawa puts on these days.

Ottawa is the capital of a G8 nation. The country, we are told often enough, that has done the best job of weathering the global financial storm. We are one of this country’s biggest cities. We are a significant tourist destination. What is more, we are a city known for our winter weather.

So can’t we do better than Star Wars Stormtroopers and the Garlic King for our annual Santa Claus parade?

I get it, Elizabeth. Ottawa’s parade hasn’t upgraded to corporate status. You want the idyllic floats seen south of the border with animatronic movements on grand scale, sponsored by Lego, Barbie and other Toys R Us icons. You want the float with the snow covered log cabin, spouting fake smoke with carollers belting out some typical ditty. We’re in agreement that it takes money to have these things and that Ottawa is a capital city of a large first-world nation. It’s awesome you call upon the National Capital Commission to step up to the bat.

But to drop this into the mix:

But, really, Stormtroopers? “Nothing says Christmas like Darth Vader,” a companion quipped, which kind of sums things up.

Oh hell, Liz. You had to kick that hornet’s nest, didn’t you…?

Andy Pegan, a respected member of the 501st, Canadian Garrison, responds via Facebook:

I wanted to thank Ms. Payne for bringing exposure to The Capital City Garrison, or “the Star Wars Guys’ to which as we are often referred to. We have a proud tradition supporting local charities, the Help Santa Toy Parade being one of many.

Our members are part of two worldwide Star Wars costuming groups, the 501st Legion and the Rebel Legion. Collectively, our membership exceeds 6,500 and in 2011 our participation resulted in over $11,000,000 in fundraising for charities and disaster relief. We are all volunteers. We do our ‘weird and quirky’ thing because we love role playing, showing off the costumes that we create with our own hands, and we get fulfilment knowing that our presence can brighten someone’s day, spark imagination and generate funds for needy groups.

So, what do we have to do with Christmas? Ever since 1977, Star Wars has been part of the toy gift giving traditions of children around the world. In fact, in 1977 the demand for the action figures was so great that empty boxes were sold with the promise of the figures to come later. As for the parade, we were invited guests, a fan favourite (aside from Santa, himself) and winners of “Best Novelty Float” in 2012 and in years past. Outside of Ottawa’s new Comic Con, you won’t find more of our members in one place and the attraction to be a part of our float is so great that members from St. Catherines, Ontario to Sherbrooke, Quebec have made the trip to join us. As a member I am proud of our contribution and hope that if organizers make an effort to better the parade in the future as you suggest, we are a part of those plans.


So Liz, the idea here is not to shit on the people showing up and making the effort. You should be shaming the people NOT contributing suggesting new ideas if you want to try to build a community effort. Oh and stop with the snark from the sidelines – it suggests an ignorance to the meaning of why people make an effort.


You Stupid Dick 1 Reply

Otherwise know as Whooping Cough. SharkBoy and I are just finishing up a couple weeks of this completely cough horror thing.

If any of you or your loved ones contract this aliment, kill your loved one then kill yourself. Kill anyone who has come in contact or even mentions the name of this fucking disease before any of the symptoms show up. You will be doing humanity a favour. Nuke me from space, it’s the only way to be sure. Kill me with fire. Kill.

I mean it. I’ve never been more embarrassed by an illness before in my life. The worst was being on the subway, suppressing a coughing fit, which just made it worse, and having people look at you like you’re patient zero for The Walking Dead.

How bad can it be?

Look. At. This. Poor. Bastard.

Without all the medical crap around us, this is exactly what our house sounded like for the last 4 weeks. Still does at times, but not as severe. Throw in hoarking and spitting and it’s an accurate Casa RoboShark soundtrack.

For the life of me, I have never experienced an illness so heinous. I kid around –  of course I *could* experience worse illnesses, but this one was baffling. Two weeks into it, I honestly thought I was going to wind up in that scene from Mildred Pierce where she loses Kay – covered in a plastic oxygen tent and nurses pumping up the gas…

Seems SharkBoy and I never had this particular illness as kids, nor had we been vaccinated, I guess (Mom? Any vaccination cards from St Francis Xavier School for the Religiously Gifted?), and for some reason Whooping Cough is on the rise. Thankfully we’re on the other side of this heinous ague and not closer to our Disney trip.

That being said, I’m off to Costco to get massive amounts of Cold-FX for the flights to-and-from Florida and Vermont.


Instagram and the Lost Empire of Images

Photography, You Stupid Dick 6 Replies

I deleted my Instagram account last night.

I tell you this with some whiny hipsterism but I do so with valid reasons.

I have to say I’ve met a ton of really cool people on IG, digitally and IRL, and I got a rush out of people responding to my pictures, but for the last while I’ve been feeling cold about the process. I left because:

1. I was tired of people posting stupid pics. Last night I had three “sneak shots” in a row – the kind of pictures where someone posts a clandestine shot of some “hot” guy out in public. Not only is that a total invasion of sexual privacy, but it’s says a lot about the people I was following. What are you? Some construction worker on the side of the digital highway hooting and drooling over anything that walks past? Do you really have to overshare when you’re horny? Do you think I’m impressed that you saw a hot guy at the coffee shop? I SEE HOT GUYS EVERYWHERE – as do you! Stop being creepy about it!

2. People post pictures of their dicks; Instagram takes it down (#2 point in their Terms of Service: NO NUDES); people call their followers idiots for ratting them out and whine about the takedown. Seriously? You’re going to complain about a free service enforcing it’s rules on you? Seriously?!?

2. See this re: shots of food. Call me an egomaniac but I went on IG to see interesting and fun pictures. For the last month or so, not so much.

3. Same idea for self portraits. Handsome or not, you must have SOMETHING else you think is important or interesting other than you stuck in traffic making the Blue Steel face? No? Well then, we’re done here.

4. I’ve been neglecting other things… like “life”. I would post three times a day to even out my stats: morning, lunch and bedtime. Every 6 hours or so, that way my views were steady and people didn’t get “bored” of me posting 6-7 shots in a row (grrr…) At these times I would also look through my feed and find that an hour had gone by fast. As example, it took me close to 3 months to read Cloud Atlas where as I could have gone through it in 3 weeks. I was wasting *my* time.

And this final point, discovered when I hit the Delete button: Much like Facebook content, IG saves your pics when you ask to be deleted. And this line in the terms of service makes me feel like I’ve just provided Facebook with 1200+ images they can use for ads:

By displaying or publishing (“posting”) any Content on or through the Instagram Services, you hereby grant to Instagram a non-exclusive, fully paid and royalty-free, worldwide, limited license to use, modify, delete from, add to, publicly perform, publicly display, reproduce and translate such Content, including without limitation distributing part or all of the Site in any media formats through any media channels, except Content not shared publicly (“private”) will not be distributed outside the Instagram Services.

I shouldn’t be surprised. Nothing is for free on the internet. And if it is, you should be wary of it.

I’m going to miss the energy I got from people liking what I did and said on IG, but I’ll be channeling it back into my own world, my own work and my own product. Here on DeadRobot Heavy Industries and Twitter*.


*yes. that was a joke.

Flip Phone

You Stupid Dick Leave a reply

I’m sitting in the Starbucks near my work, enjoying my book over lunch hour. The place is packed with nannies and their brood, uninspired writers, web surfers and booming voiced Mr Know It Alls. Usual day, really.

I look up from my book as someone enters the cafe. He’s scruffy: wearing a slightly dirty hoodie, baggy pants and low slung back pack, like it was lazily put on his shoulders and allowed to slump past his shoulder blades. He walks into the cafe, looks around and heads towards the counter. My initial thought on seeing him was “Trouble…”

And then I thought I was being a bit heavy handed. “Dirty” people come into this Starbucks all the time – the neighbourhood is littered with post-war 2 storey dwellings that are constantly being reno-ed by guys, forever covered in plaster dust. Plus there’s a high school near by so younglings come in all the time, showing off whatever sloppy fashion choices are hot at that time. I decide I’m too judgmental.

“Dirty” comes back into my line of sight through the crowd and stands in front of the Milk station. He hesitates then takes the big glass sugar dispenser and stuffs it into his pocket.

Our eyes lock.

He doesn’t show any reaction to being discovered. He walks unhurriedly out of the Starbucks and digs into his other pocket for his flip phone.

And I think “Ugh… flip phone.”

I Give Up. Star Wars is Dead to Me

Celebs and Media, You Stupid Dick 7 Replies

I hate you George Lucas.

I hate you with all my heart. You need to put your hands back on the wheel and DRIVE THE STAR WARS CAR INTO A BRICK WALL. End our misery.

Throughout my nerd life I’ve seen you rape, pillage, whore out, fuck up, befuddle and screw the Star Wars empire into a massive ball of fuck. But this? The upcoming Kinect Star Wars game? It had so much promise: Force choke holds! Light sabre fights!

This video proves you are a fuck. A fucking fuck who thinks they’re being clever and smart. You need to either man up and actually pay attention during your marketing meetings and STAND UP and say “No! This is not my vision for Star Wars!” or sign the rights over to someone who will preserve the dignity


…of Star Wars.

Watch to the end. The sad… sad… end.

Via Topless Robot