Tag Archives: kevin smith

Gold Is At An All Time High

Celebs and Media

Okay listen up people. I am completely sick of the influx of “gold for cash” commercials on TV these days. Toronto television is beset with these low budget commercials depicting shady looking people urging you to come to their strip-mall outlets with your family memories in hand to get rich quick.

The commercial for “Jewellery For Cash” (original, eh?) has an obese bald dude getting out of an 80’s Ferrari in front of his second story walk up store front, emblazoned with “Cash for Gold” neon in the windows, while the voice over proudly offers loans up to (and I shit you not) “$1,000,000”. Okay first off, if they can offer that much, why are they in a commercial row-house, second floor office? Security for all that cash, I guess. And secondly, you’d think this guy could afford a tailor instead of a Sears XXXL t-shirt. By the way, isn’t it illegal to carry more than $100K out in public? How’s he going to get you $1M in cash? Under his shirt?

Second up was Sharkboy’s favorite, is Harold the Jewelry Buyer, where people gleefully confess their greedy desires after selling off their heritage to this dirty nailed, greasy midget. “I love my new TV!” shouts a gap toothed couch potato (it’s small). “We’re going on a cruise!” bellow a lonely housewife as her partner dances in an ugly Hawaiian shirt behind her. And the best scene: a bag laidened shopper is videoed in front of some mall stairway as she does the most awkward dance ever, while lamely shouting “Woo hoo.” I can only describe the lameness of it by saying imagine Rida Rutner cheering and dancing. I’m sorry there’s no video to accompany this one because the best line (probably delivered by Harold’s off-the-boat Romanian mom) is “It was so easy. Now I’m ready to shop!” with “shop” coming out as “chop”, evoking zombie fantasies.

Third up is Buster’s Brampton where judging by the utter tounge-in-cheek directorial wetnoodleness of this video, the next budding Judd Apatow/Kevin Smith is probably brewing right now. Slovenly, fat clerks promise “Maximum Cash!” at the tops of their lungs as their guts flap in the breeze. Watch the chubby guy on the right at the beginning of this clip – he’s wishing there was a snack truck on this shoot:

Of course, I can’t mention awful gold commercials without a nod to the grand daddy of Cash For Jewelry hucksters: Russel Oliver. To be fair, he’s got to be the most creative. Even after DC Comics tried to sue his ass out of existence for using a Superman costume and calling himself The Cashman in one of his commercial, he still manages to churn them out. If he’s not pedophilically scaring Halloween kids (he dumps money into their treat bags) then he’s dancing with Ho’s. Truly he is the Michael Bay of Cash For Gold commercials. Not to mention topical: he pulled this commercial just days after Diana died:

And finally, my current fave: Oren. So casual he doesn’t need a tie. So suave the ladies gush as they hand over their belongings. So sure he’ll give you the best price he leaves his shirt dangerously unbuttoned like it was the 70s. I love how he watches the cougar leave his store with a leer frozen across his unshaven face and akimbo stance that says “I’ll see you later, ladies! Ka-chow!”. I made a remix of the part that makes SharkBoy sit up and take notice:

In Times of Economic Troubles…

Celebs and Media, Distractions

…Zack And Miri Make A Porno.

You’ve probably heard of this movie by now. It has nothing to do with Aptow but does have the post-teen comedy sensibilities that he’s been known for and it’s from Kevin Smith. The movie has already gained notoriety for it’s original posters being yanked in the US (portrait shots of the two leads subtlety getting head) and replaced with sarcastic text next to stick figures. Thankfully, Canada has a sense of humour and I get to see Seth Rogan’s happy “O face” every morning on a local bus shelter.

At this point I have to admit that I have a big man/bear crush on Seth Rogan and Kevin Smith: admitted geeks and big funny guys with facial hair, so I’m kind of biased. But after seeing the preview I (and I am sure many others) asked myself “What the hell does Miri see in Zack?” She’s a bit too beautiful to be hanging out/hooking up with someone like Seth in my books, but the trailer makes her look slobbish matching Seth’s re-occurring character choices of the slovenly lovable mensch. It’s typical of Kevin Smith’s movies to have one casting moment where you have to suspend some belief (Uh… Allanis Morrisette as God?). But in getting Traci Lords to do a small part might wipe that all out and redeem his past transgressions.

My second admission is that I, like so many of you out there, have always wanted to be revered/paid for as a sex porno god. If my family is reading, go away. I’ve never acted upon this desire, but there it is.