Spells I Wish I Could Cast


Put on your Hoofindor House colours and wave your wands, kids!

Expecto Petrolium: For anyone who thinks that bad driving is their god given right, they get their hands turned into gas pump nozzles that actually spews their blood that magically transmogrifies into gas. Mobs will hunt you out and NOT pay $.25/ltr. They’ll just take it, because, you know, it’s their god given right.

Expectus Hoarktonium: Spitting in the gym showers? Your eyes turn to phlegm. Sad movies make you blind.

Expetor Dooreasius: You push the handicapped door button and you’re able bodied with nothing in your hands? Zap. Your arms are now 2 inches long. Now you have a reason.

Expecta Jackhammerus: This spell turns any City Works foreman into a slice of cheesecake at a Jenny Craig Convention if they authorize power tool work to be done outside my window before 7am.

Expeti Thongrollium: I see your underwear outside your pants? Poof – it turns into the ugliest version of the opposite sex’s gitch. Women get mustard yellow baggy boxers. Men get rhinestone encrusted thongs. Unremovable for 24 hours.

Expect Moreblogcrappius:
I cast a spell where I do excellent writing. Sigh.

5 thoughts on “Spells I Wish I Could Cast

  1. andrew

    you can name this one whatever you like, but it is intenxded to affect sidewalk hogs. walking three abreast and not moving aside for oncoming pedestrians? pushing your suv-sized baby carriage in the middle of the sidewalk and glaring at all you approach because OMG MY BABY IS PRECIOUS AND THE FUTURE? lovers, hand in hand and moving more slowly than lichen?

    guess what? you all get to become the sidewalk, forever and ever, in a slow melting process like the bad terminator from t2 when he turns into the floor in the asylum. added tortures will be provided for any of the above activity that comes in winter when the sidewalks are 3/4 covered in ice, snow and slush.

  2. SharkBoy

    Silencius Expetorium: Anyone raising their voices at my counter gets instant tongue ripping/cutting with the use of dirty crusty pliers and rusty scissors. And just to be sure the message is clear, the same happens to the next person in line too.

  3. cb

    I didn’t appreciate the spells as much as the attention to latin congugation of “Expect”. Nice touch.

  4. Vanyel

    Expector Cellphonius. Any person who insists on talking loudly into their cellphone on the train or in the checkout line in a store, especially when phoning to say “Hi, I’m in the store now,” or discussing at length their recent sexual encounters with their stud of the day. The phone shall melt into their hand, and their thumbs drop off, so they are no longer able to hold up the line while tapping out the latest SMS nonsense.

    (and the list is HILARIOUS and true)

  5. Lew

    Expecta Speedbumpius. Any teenager tearing down my residential street where no less than 17 children live get to the middle of the block when all four tires simultaneously implode. The chassis is also engulfed in flames should the vehicle be a Camaro, Monte Carlo or Grand Prix built before 1985.

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