Something Personally Hateful

Personal Bits, You Tell Me

In response to yesterday’s Poll.

I thought long and hard about this because SharkBoy expresses his hate so much better than I. I like to think I’m a patient, understanding and kind person and Hate doesn’t live in my heart.

Read: I’m a passive aggressive pussy that doesn’t have a spine to stand up to things that piss me off.

I relaxed my brain and let the first thing I hated come to mind. When it came, I rejected it because it was too easy. Like doing a Seinfeld accent while complaining about airline food. But after my walk to work this morning and having to endure yet another onslaught of the thing I hate the most, I decided that yes, I cannot deny my anger towards-


You people are the lowest form of humanity, if you can consider yourselves human. If I could encompass you into a race, I’d be the leader of the KKK for anti-smokers. I’d be burning Nicorette crosses on your fucking butt-covered lawns. You people literally suck… the life from the rest of us.

photo by pheyblom

I get behind you when I’m out doors and watch you litter without remorse by throwing your butts into the street. “But they’re biodegradable!” I hear you wheeze through stained teeth. Unless they disappear within 12 hours then they’re “biodegradable” – which they’re not. I’d love to dump every single butt you dirty slags ever put carelessly onto the streets and magically transport them to just under your sheets in your bed. Maybe then you’ll get the message as to how dirty collectively you’re making the city. As I suffer through your clouds of stinky, carcinogenic breath, I walk fast to get past your thoughtless mass, I’m usually met with another one of your kind, blissfully unaware that you’re being dirty, ugly, repugnant.

Despite the city putting up millions of OUR dollars worth of new garbage cans that assist in the problem of YOUR waylaid butts, you still manage to carelessly dirty these costly cans. I watched yesterday as a trio of smokers butted out by jabbing out their sticks on the shiny new plastic top of a fresh can instead of the metal plate provided. Yay black burns on plastic! This is why we can’t have New Things.

As an example of how utterly clueless you lazy, thoughtless smokers are, let’s look at the successive laws being generated around saving our government billions of dollars in health costs. Actually I mean “making Ontario healthier” when internally I’m thinking “saving you from yourselves while protecting me from your patulous cloud of dirty, uncontrollable self destructive behaviour”. Toronto, in it’s infinite wisdom has regulated smokers to the sidewalks – no smoking in any enclosed space. Ta Da! Now we find Mad Men quaint! Enclosed dwellings are now free of yellowy stains and lingering ass smell!

What? You say these gaseous Chimairas are hanging around the front doors too much, leaving their butts on the ground around a doorway and subsequent foot traffic transporting butts/smoke into the building? Let’s make a law! No standing around a door and smoking! Ta da! Problem solved. Stop your child-like whining.

Speaking of kids…oh my goodness! Now they’re smoking in their cars! With KIDS! The swift hammer of justice comes down and faboom, we now have a law. The children are safe! Here, let me text that while your lungs clear.

Can’t you dumb assed idiots see you’re being regulated out of existence? For a reason?

“But I can’t stop,” I hear you whine as you haul your ass into a convenience store to point at a binder that legally has to stay closed for the sake of the children, so you can purchase cigarettes from behind a blackened wall. And yet you complain about this like we’re treating you like porn deviants?

Fuck. You. You. Lazy. Fuck. If my mom can stop after close to 65 years of smoking, then you can too. Here’s the reason why.

Look, if you want to kill yourself, please, go right ahead. But do us all a favour and don’t involve me or inconvenience me at all in your deathwish. Clean up after yourself and stop being such slobs.

Thank you and goodnight!

10 thoughts on “Something Personally Hateful

  1. postbear

    i fully support people who wish to kill themselves via their pursuit of pleasure. smoke all you want, drive without seatbelts, don’t wear hardhats, i don’t care at all. this understood, don’t then share your habit with me or anyone else who has no interest in it. i don’t mind wearing a seatbelt. i feel better having my food regulated to limit or eliminate toxins. i also don’t choose to smoke, but if you do, either do it in your home, far away from others, or don’t exhale. those are the choices our society is slowly moving toward, smokers realise this, and we all benefit from the progress. of the minority that dislikes this change? write your mp, your mpp, your municipal drone and keep your poison to yourself.

    i was also going to dredge up a study i read a few years ago that identified smokers as one of the chief groups who litter in canada, but was overwhelmed when searching by the huge number of studies done globally. a quick scan of them showed the problem is worldwide. there are also, obviously, big problems with the toxic effects of the litter as the toxins are leached from the discarded cigarette butts, not to mention the wildlife deaths directly attributed to animals eating the butts.

    i know a few people who still smoke, though every year the numbers go down (due to quitting and death). each of those left claims to be a (somewhat) responsible smoker who doesn’t litter or smoke around non-smokers, but when pressed will admit to daily infractions. i believe that they and all smokers have the right to smoke, but they do have the obligation to do so responsibly. don’t throw your garbage on the ground and don’t force others to share your smoke – if you do those two things, the greatest part of the resentment shown to you will vanish instantly.

  2. Dead Robot

    Thanks david. Glad you’re still off the wagon and hope your emphysema isn’t serious.

    And thanks for seeing the humour in my rant.

  3. david

    Thank you. I thought smoking was lessening but it is not. I quit 6 years ago after 32 years of heavy smoking and got emphasema in my late 40s. I am much better now but despise the stupidity of this insideous habit. Now, where I work is at a confluence of buildings where every moment of the work day smoking people of every type smoke their asses off and if I open my 2nd floor office window, the office is immediately filled with smoke. And the ground around my office is like a carpet of butts that no one every cleans. Loved your rant!!!

  4. Dead Robot

    Standing near a gay doesn’t give you cancer.

    Gays don’t leave your teeth all yellowy.

    Gays don’t toss their gayness into the street to wind up polluting Lake Ontario.

    While it’s true you could get behind a gay and get some gay in your face, when you get home your clothes won’t smell like gay.

    You are right. We should not sell gay to kids under 18.

    Wanna rethink your comment?

  5. Mike

    Wow! If you replaced the word smoker with the word gay you’d fit in so well with so many of the other hate groups out there. Your hate takes my breath away.

  6. Dead Robot

    J Tree :

    Did I mention I quit a few years ago?

    I didn’t know at all. I’m extremely proud of you.

    I’m sure a lot of smokers will read this and blow smoke in my face. Those who have evolved into proper humans have my utter gratification.

  7. J Tree

    As a former smoker… I agree. I often found myself really ashamed of… well, myself. Disposing of butts, smoking in doorways, hiding my smoking, hiding my smoke breath. Also, the dying bit. Yes, that’s a part of it too… but really, even the most dedicated smoker can become a little less lazy in disposing of their butts. I always hated it the most when people would smoke at the beach and use the sand as their ashtray, then get up and leave a little collection in the sand next to the two giant depressions where their fat ass cheeks laid.

    Did I mention I quit a few years ago?

  8. Jim M

    This is the greatest thing ever written in the history of the internet and I can’t applaud loud enough.

    If I hear another one of those pathetic addicts whine about their “rights” I’m going to punch him/her in their cancer-ridden face. Fuck their fucking rights. Smoke in your damn house, I don’t care. Just keep it the fuck away from my nose and eyes.

    I can’t think of a group of people that collectively sucks more. I would sooner hug a Palin supporter than a smoker.

    Fuck smokers. Fuck them all in their stupid faces.

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