Today’s Horrorscope


Aries: Today sees a rise in Mars so you better steer clear of that co-worker in the washroom. They’re about to drop something horrid and leave you to blame.

Taurus: The secret crush you have suddenly escalates into something physical, tangible, when a happy accident leaves you in possession of a forgotten article. Don’t hesitate – this is the icebreaker you’ve been waiting for! Getting it all out on the line, fast and hard is the best!

Gemini: Two words: Painful. Gas. Seriously, you should be looking after yourself better. Keep your little hammer drops to the privacy of a stall!

Cancer: Sadness prevails. Know that this too shall pass, but pass into what? The path is yours to choose. Know that whatever your decision, it can’t get much worse than it is now. Sorry dude.

Leo: That lumpy looking person you see around who looks, then not-looks at you has something of yours. Have 9-1- dialed on your phone with your finger hovering over “1”. Look into their eyes – it’s gone beyond puppy love!

Libra: Your recipes are working. Your revenge is working. Their pain is your rejoice. How far you take this is utterly up to you.

Virgo: Yes. They are cheating on you. We told you two weeks ago and you did nothing. You will receive an interesting email with an attachment of proof. Enjoy eating half boxes of Kraft Dinner. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Scorpio: Someone will walk by you in a funk today. Make sure you do something out of the ordinary to take their mind off it. Pointing out that your own fly is undone is not an option.

Sagittarius: They don’t suspect a thing. Keep doing what you’re doing and all will continue without any upset to the status quo. One recommendation though: delete, delete, delete.

Capricorn: You observe what could be a budding office romance or a restraining order in the making, stemming from the thing you lost last week. You can either get involved by claiming ownership or staying back to watch the sparks.

Aquarius: That guy cheating on his spouse is really an ass, isn’t he? Time to set up a web cam at his front door and start some good ol’ vigilantism.

Pisces: Offer a choice to that co-worker who looks sad: shape up or ship out. It’s about time they stopped moping about like someone died.