New cardio machines at my gym! A new bank of treadmills and elliptical machines, sweat free and working properly. Our membership dollars at work.

In terms of Wow Factor, I’d say they’re about a 4 out of 10. Nothing new really, same screen, keypads. Better inner workings, though, noticeable like going from an iPhone 4 to 4S. Their resistance gave new life into my calves and ass. Bring it on, long walks in DisneyWorld!

As I was huffing along, Mr Breaky McBreaker got on the machine beside me. I know this guy has snapped a couple cup holders on the old-style machines due to his inability to understand that putting all your upper body weight on the keypad and resting your arms across the top of the machine will NOT help you lose weight or do anything positive for his back. No, he’s actually broken a couple machines that way.

The new machines befuddled him. He asked me: “How… What are these things for?”

He was referring to the two very LARGE toggles at the bottom of the keypad. Both looking like light switches neither in the ON or OFF position, with arrows pointing up and down.

“One is for increasing or decreasing the height of your step and the other for speed… resistance,” I offer.

Instantly he starts running at a million miles per hour like a captain off a cruise ship.

He fiddles with the buttons and looks back towards me, face like a question mark.

“How do you make it work?”

I show him on mine, toggling the resistance and height up and down as demonstration. He keeps at the impossible breakneck speed and gets into his slouchy position, both arms lazily across the top of the touch panel.

“Better not rest there, they’re only held on there by a couple screws!” I suggest. Not much of a lie but I’m more pissed that he thinks going so fast and hunching over almost at a 90 degree angle is anyway a good work out. I want the machine to snap and watch him take a tumble but then again, they are new machines and my money went into them.

“I don’t like it.”

“Upgrade or die,” I say, misquoting from Dr Who.