Dead Robot’s Best List of the Decade

Distractions

Here are my faves for the last little while:

Tying the knot. For better or for worse, it’s been fantastic having someone who has your back. And keeps your back warm at night. I’m (still) in love and don’t see any foreseeable end to this love affair. I keep playing the night he asked me over and over in my head: the warm(ish) summer night, the fire, the stars. He prefaced his question by saying he had honourably emailed my mom and dad, asking if it was ok to marry me. Which leads me to…

Camping. Getting out there was fun. My tastes in how I spend my weekends have changed, but I’m glad I experienced a couple summers of sleeping under the stars. I’ll never forget Stumbleina and cleaning the pool at 7am.

Travel. I think I’ve travelled more in the last decade than any other time in my life, even when I lived in England. I’ve been to Mexico, Vancouver, Florida, Quebec, Vermont, The Caribbean, Belize, and even places closer to home, like Niagara Falls, which have given me so many great memories (and 90% of them are due largely to SharkBoy dragging my ass out into the world) but the couple that stand out are: coming through the gates at Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld as a steam train arrived at the station and a parade started simultaneously – Seeing the Main Street, the characters happily singing and dancing and the damn castle made me lose my shit. I was 12 yrs old again. I still choke up thinking about it. And I’ll never forget riding the zip-line through the Belize jungle – being terrified by heights, but determined to do this thing, I had nervously stayed at the back of the pack to let everyone else go first. After the safety orientation, the guide suddenly reversed the order of our pack, making me the “scream-like-a-girl” first to experience the thrill. Thankfully I didn’t chicken out.

My Dad’s 65th, 70th and 75th Birthday parties. The man knows how to throw a party for himself. (I know “65th” was back in the late 90s but it needs to be addressed – order your guests to arrive in white and wear cream.)

Improv Classes. I loved getting up in front of people and making them laugh. Though it didn’t take off (purely because I hated trying to compete with the other frail, gigantic egos in “the biz”), I did manage to do one stand up set in front of total strangers and hence, “stand up comedy feature – UNLOCKED!” (as they say in video games).

Getting fired from Rogers iMedia. The first time I’ve ever been “let go” dropped me into a couple years of depression but the other side was so gratifying. Every skill I use today I learned there from Dimitri (who, sadly doesn’t digitally create stuff anymore), but I’m glad I didn’t stay, contract or otherwise. You can’t have light without dark.

Working as a film extra. In my post-Rogers money pit, I signed up as an extra for various TV/Movie/Tax write off productions in Toronto. Most notably Queer as Folk, where I learned that behind the scenes can be funnier than the shit they put in front of the camera (see the show “Extras” – I actually got to live it). Best moment on set was doing a scene with my Dad as my brother delivered lines on the show “This Is Wonderland”. You can see my hand holding a file in front of my father’s face in one brief moment.

Various Games. On various platforms. I will never forget spending an entire day (we’re talking a solid 9 hours) on Grand Theft Auto IV with Vancouver Mike as we dived into McCain’s fudge and ice cream dessert and enough pop to drown a whale. I’ll not soon forget firing up Katamari Damanci for the first time and being blown away at the craziness. I also recall wasting hours of my life with SharkBoy as we tried to out-do each other, crash-wise, in Burnout: Revenge. Nor can I forget the sumptuous art of BioShock. But I have to say that Uncharted 2 has been a pinnacle game for me in my last ten years – incredible graphics, tight game play interspersed with fantastically acted cut scenes. Lastly, how can I forget this Christmas miracle:

Best Movie. So difficult. I’ve asked Shelly and she’s come up with this list, in order of fave to least. You’ll note that a couple blockbusters from last week are not on purely because I want to get past the hype before deciding:

  1. Ratatouille
  2. Up / Wall*E (tie)
  3. Chicken Run / Kenny / Children of Men (Foreign movie three way tie)
  4. Sunshine
  5. No Country For Old Men
  6. The Dark Knight
  7. The Incredibles
  8. District 9
  9. Moon
  10. The Watchmen

In all, the last ten years have been fun. As I slip into my midway point of my life (assuming I’ll live to 90 or so) I can only speculate what the future holds for me, like a drunk Dianne Warwick Psychic Hotline operator:

Cyborg parts! Love Triangle with a hologram! PS4! Apple iSlate! Singularity Parties! Surgically attaching toe webbing! Belly Mouths! And finally Cat IQ upgrades!

I want to wish you all a Happy New Year!

Dead Robot’s Worst List of the Decade

Distractions

The shittiest moments that happened to me in the last 10 years:

Being fired from Rogers iMedia. Going from a $45k job to barely eking out a living caused me to lose a lot of friends, a relationship and most of my dignity. Getting laid off also made me declare…

Bankruptcy. I still can remember the day I signed the papers – I felt like I had let everyone down. Then 48 hours later I got the call for my current job. If I held out another couple months, I wouldn’t have had to sign those papers and be in this 7 year black hole. But I have learned you can live without a credit card. Marry one!

Giving up my first cats. I really should have given up the allergic, 4-joints a day, roommate.

Dad being sick. It was the longest, most frustrating year of my (his!) life. All this came when Michael Moore released “Sicko”. I wanted to punch his fat face and tell him about my father spending close to 28 hours in St Micheal’s emergency waiting for a bed to come free. He’s still not 100% but at least he’s eating and working out again.

The Strike/Workshare/General Economy. After coming home to such a wonderful Disney vacation we were told I was going to a 4 day work week and SharkBoy was going on strike. Worst. Summer. Ever. No money, no-money stresses, heaped on workload, more-workload stresses, shitty weather, no tan to speak of stresses. Last summer can chew my ass.

Movies. I have to say the worst movie I saw in the last ten years (other than the obvious Return to Frogtown ones) was Joel “I Destroy Everything I Touch” Schumacher’s Phantom Of the Opera. I slept through some of it (something I never do) and what I did see made me angry. It’s the only movie I can recall ever really wanting to walk out of. Not that I hated the music (I’ve seen the stage show at least three times), I did enjoy the art direction and the costuming, but the whole thing just bored me and then angered me. Especially when they reversed the bubbles. Moulin Rouge! was my first choice for a long while but I’ve warmed to it – except for Ewan McGregor’s shoutysingy voice. Still hate that.

Crappiest Game. Hands down, the worst game I played in the last ten years has to be “The Price Is Right” for the Wii. We did laugh, but we laughed at it. Second only to “Totally Spies” for the Wii as well. Soul-less game play with the camp girly sucked out of existence.

In all, not a terrible decade. I’ve had worse (Grade 5 to College). I hope your upcoming deca-year will be faboo!

Xmas In Vermont

Personal Bits

All the pictures are here

First off two thank yous go out to two people:

One: Da. Thank you for caring for the cats while we were away. I can tell you I felt a certain amount of guilt for leaving you behind on Xmas, alone in Toronto but I hear you had a nice dinner with Brother Mike and that lot. Hope George Hamilton and Billy Dee Williams didn’t give you much problems.

Two: Syl. As always it was a treat to travel to your house and experience the holiday with your (my new!) family. Your house is amazing and your hospitality knows no bounds. Your Xmases always make me thankful for what my immediate family lost so many years ago.

Okay with that out of the way, let’s get to the bitter (Syl, all this is in jest, take no offense), the fun and the just plain weird:

Ever shop at the Christmas Tree Shops (ugly site – ugly store)? To my Canadian friends: Imagine all the unsellable crap from housewares from Wal Mart and dump it haphazardly into store isles and lo and behold you can call it Christmas! I think they take 10% off at the cash if you’re dressed in sweatpants. Extra 5% if you’re in sweatpant shorts on Dec 26th during an ice storm. I betray my race when I say the store caters to white trash. And my mother-in-law who enjoys shopping there, I guess.

Ever drink with your sister in law? This is what it’s like:

Americans and their ability to toss around the concept of “copyright” is laughable. See the mess SharkBoy got into over on his blog just by taking a quick picture of a mannequin head he thought was cute. Step back in horror as the shop keeper actually believes the words she is saying to us.

I got this bag. Humans will weep at it’s cool factor:

My cool bag!

On the last day, Pogo, my Bro-in-Law, opened the doors to his warehouse and let us pour over skids and skids of older movies (2007 and earlier) for us to take home. He operates video rental kiosks from Quebec to Vermont and had just pulled 25 flats of videos from his stores to freshen stock. To SharkBoy this was like heaven. We showed real restraint by only taking 31 DVDs and towards the end of the spree, Pogo nearly had to drag SharkBoy from the warehouse, crying. Some gems include: The last season of Futurama (in individual movie format), a Robotech episode, The Bank Job (Jason ‘stop slobbering on my chest’ Statham!) and a curious direct to video Sandra Bullock movie I’ve never seen before. We’re in for the winter. Thanks Pogo!
Warehouse looting

Best Christmas Ever

Personal Bits

That’s a bit of a stretch (my best Xmas was when I got the Atari 2600), but pretty damn close for a 43 year old culture junkie.

Not only did I have a picturesque holiday in snowy Vermont with family I love, but I got to run through a warehouse like those “Shopping Contest” where contestants have to fill their carts in a certain amount of time. I’ll reveal more later, but know that, for me, it was like letting a diabetic into a candy store and waving an insulin wand over his head and saying “go for it, chubbo!”

I’ll also talk about Christmas Tree Stores and Vermont. I did last year but I want to go a bit deeper.

Pictures and video to follow. But for now, I want to thank the Vermontians for another holiday home run.

White Christmas

Amy, Distractions

Dead Robot: We’re packing up the rental SUV (take that, fatty fuck Al Gore!) with all our prezzie loot and headed to the most picture perfect spot in the US for Xmas: Vermont! Home of sporadic iPhone G3 service. We all here at Dead Robot Heavy Industries would like to thank you for reading through this most difficult year of economic ass raping and encourage you to shop blindlessly into the new year! Happy Holidays!

RobotBlogger: Machines will rule this planet! Until then, happy seasons!

Dead Robot: Nice.

Shelly: Hey Tubby! Can we go see Avatar again and make it a sing-a-long? Anything’s better than the same marine yelling “GET SOME!!” over and over again.

Dead Robot: I will kick you back to the Cayman Islands if you don’t shut up.

Amy: Amy Good! Gorilla! Amy Eat faces of house apes! Amy Holiday Cheer! Banana Cake! Cage out! Kill sad!

Shelly: Can we remove her batteries?

Dead Robot: You want to get close enough to try?

Merry Xmas! Here’s a video of America for you!

Mouth Fingering

You Stupid Dick

“Dead Robot? Hi! I don’t think we’ve had each other yet. I’m Dirtygreasyhair.”

That’s not her name but if we lived in an alternate universe where our names constantly changed to the first thing someone else notices about you, I would have to bestow her that moniker.

She’s my new dental hygienist. Apparently the lady I’ve had for 8 years now has been assimilated by the Borg or has been drinking Jonestown KoolAid or has just gone on holiday early – nobody bothered to tell me. She’s not available. Instead I’m left to the designs of Dirtygreasyhair.

2 minutes into the cleaning, I knew it wasn’t going to be a pleasant visit when she let the spit and spray from her sonic descale tool build up in my mouth. I’m what CSI professionals would call a “Secreeter” – get anything near my mouth and I generate so much spit I can drown a rat. I think there’s a super hero power in there somewhere (“Drop the atomic bomb, Villain! Or I, El Spitto will stop you!”). So with her tool and her multitude of fingers clumsily pushing back my lips AND her inability to see that I was drowning in my own spit, I let loose with a colossal gag.

She gets the message and turns on the suction. But places the nozzle on my tongue. So useful!

She’s so fidgety that she jumps from one tooth to a tooth opposite, not bothering to go in any real discernible patter, like oh… ONE TOOTH AT A TIME.

Then the talking started. “Finished your gift buying?” or “Are you going away for the holidays?” Yes. Questions. Questions you can’t hope to answer because your mouth is full of rubber covered digits. Why is this cliche happening to me?

And so it goes. In my head I’m thinking she’s not been doing this long. Her manner of tool jockeying and bizarre head angles suggests she’s not comfortable with looking into someone’s head. My previous hygienist would use the mirror constantly to avoid having her fingers in my mouth and kept the chatter to a minimum (Never asked questions, at least). But this one was so far into my mouth she made me feel like she was a gold reseller on a slow day.

Then she made me gag again. Without warning she started into the polishing (no choice of cherry, orange or mint!), slapped the gritty paste onto my teeth and started up the polisher, brushing it up against my top molars. Surprised, I felt a chunk of the polish fly off and land on the back of my tongue. I involuntarily react and hoark out spit as I bolt upright.

“Did I do that?”

Did. You. Do. That.

Seriously.

No the TV just announced a sale at Old Navy. Holy crap what a thing to say.

I guess I went to my “laughing place” after that because I don’t remember much else. I closed down to get through it.

The dentist walks in and asks if I’m ready for the holidays. Without waiting for a response he whirls around and looks at my x-ray.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“Nothing. Probably the X-ray. When you’re in there you can’t see anything on the tooth,” Dirtygreasyhair responds as she wipes down her station. “In there”, like I was some mystical Chinese puzzle box.

My dentist dives in. “It’s a cavity. We’ll be seeing you again soon, Dead Robot.”

After, I take the free goody bag of teeth torture implements offered from Dirtygreasyhair. “You have a great holiday,” I seeth.

“Oh and you too! Go easy on the sweets!”

Avatar – a 10 year review

General

Hey Kids! Shelly Here!

To quote Fortress of Solitude: “James Cameron opened his bag of film cliches and threw them all on the table.” It’s true. Every single movie he’s made before showed up in Avatar, including digging up Sigorney Weaver (which by the way, I have to say I loved seeing as a blue 9ft tall Pandorian – girl you got it going ON!). Story-wise, there ain’t anything new here and at 2hrs 45 min, Avatar is like eating the best junk food you’ve ever tasted. Good going in but oh the guilt as it settles in your gut.

But you’re not there to see Othello, aren’t you? Yes the visuals are stunning. He’s managed to create CGI characters that don’t look like puppets. He’s broke the “dead eye” barrier and has created extremely lifelike virtual actors on screen. But to say that Avatar is “the Star Wars of this generation” is some PR wizard wanking in your face. I would say story-wise, it’s “Battle Beyond the Stars”. Yeah the story is that much of a rip off of Braveheart and Dances With Wolves.

Is Avatar “game changing” as so many fanboys spew out on their blogs? Technically yes – it’s entirely possible to resurrect life-like actors from the grave (the voice might be worrisome – hence why this year’s surprise and uncredited performance of a young un-wrinkly Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator Salvation) . Cameron’s use of 3D wasn’t gimmicky or overwrought, he knew his depth and when to use it, but if you saw Pixar’s “UP” this year you saw how 3D could be used without resorting to “spears in the lens” tricks to remind you about the 3D. After 15 years of gratuitous CGI, we’re learning that the effects can’t prop up a good story. It has to work with it to make a great movie. And this is where Avatar fails. Like George Lucas, someone has got to wrestle the pen from James Cameron and let someone else do the writing.

I say go see it – the visuals are that good. But have fun. Comment loudly about how awful the story is.