Explorer of the Seas

Personal Bits, Travel

Lately I’ve been scouring the innernetz for reviews on Explorer of the Sea, the ship we’ll be on in Feb 2010 for 12 days. What I’m finding is that a lot of people out there can’t express their opinions without some kind of gripe. That and The English hate cruising with people from New Jersey.

This review of a couple’s trip aboard the same ship reads like a play synopsis by Chekov (the dead boring writer, not the cool Star Trek guy). If you spend the time reading it (it’s long and oddly detailed), please do so in a Betty Draper, bored housewife nasal twang. Gems like this will become hillarious:

4:30pm was the Muster drill in the Maharajas Lounged. It was packed in there. It lasted until about 5pm and was very crowded trying to leave when the Muster Drill ended. We started sailing away while we were in the Muster Drill.

5pm We went back to our room to watch the sail away from our balcony.

I finished unpacking. I was shocked because I was able to find space for everything and we both are big over-packers. The suitcases/bags all fit under the bed.

Around 5:45pm maintenance came about the safe and fixed it He also looked at the metal shower shelf, tightened the screw a little and said he would tell someone else about that.

I was debating whether or not to get the soda card. I don’t really like fountain soda so didn’t know if I would really get much use out of it. I decided against it after all.

I can imagine their dinner conversation consists of pointing out other people’s clothes and what they’ll eat within the next hour:

We stayed in our formal outfits for the evening. We didn’t see many tuxes – maybe one or two.

We wanted to take a peek at the dinner offerings in the Windjammer just because we’ve never done dinner there. We wandered through. They had most of the entrees from the dining room available (but no Grand Marnier soufflé). The Jade section had sushi so Paul took a few pieces.

9pm Showtime. There were various songs from different Broadway shows. Paul fell asleep during the show.

The end of the review mirrors the end of their relationship:

After dinner Paul and I went back to the Casino. I played Let it Ride at the table. Paul played poker. I was having fun so didn’t go to the 9pm Vibeology Show. I found out that the later show is at 10:45.

10:30 I went up to the cabin to change out of my formal clothes.

10:45 I watched the Vibeology show. It was OK.

12:30 I got a slice of pizza at the promenade and went upstairs. Paul came up to change out of his suit. We had pizza together.

We played a game of mini golf. The course was pretty beat up.

I did a little packing.

We ordered a snack from room service – cheese & crackers, fruit, pizza, and cookies. We gave the guy who delivered it a $5 tip.

After our snack Paul headed down to the casino.

3pm We went to watch the Karaoke finals. The woman that won was fantastic. She was a better singer than some of the performers in the shows.

I know cruises get a bad rap since they’re seen as fat, old people barges and her review doesn’t assist on dispelling that myth. I know SharkBoy and I are going to have much more fun than her.

Rough Weather Run

Personal Bits, Toronto

Toronto’s first storm and my first rough weather run turned out to be a challenge. The slush on the sidewalk was untouched at 5:30am so I had to be careful how I landed my feet as the soup was about 2″ deep in most places. The rain/sleet felt like bees getting a hate-on all over my earlobes and cheeks. I was soaked through my gloves within 5 minutes.

But the best was the trees.

Right by the Toronto Necropolis there are a ton of fir trees that generate a special kind of noise when the wind goes through them. A noise that stirs something primal, like an alarm for us to head back to the cave and tend to a fire, because the weather is going to be the suck. When we use to go camping the fir trees near our site would whisper the coming summer storms just like they were this morning.

Rounding the corner of Sumac and Wellesley Street, I nearly slip. My ankles have been complaining since starting this endeavour and I’ve not been pushing it, but to have one suddenly lop to one side in the slush worried me some. I walked a bit. When I started up again, everything fine until I came to a downed branch across the sidewalk. Easy peasy, I just hopped onto the road and passed it. Jumping back up onto the sidewalk my foot slid about 4 inches. I went with it but it spooked me good. Combined with the complete soaking my feet had experienced, I thought it best to go back in.

As an aside, I am starting to name the scraggly people I see at this time of the morning. My favorite so far is The Black Chicklette. She’s 5ft nothing and wears black tights, super puffy black coat and a black touque. Think: an evil, anti-Fruit of the Loom grape. Twice I’ve rounded a corner and she’s scared the shit out of me.

Stuff I could populate our apartment with list is growing!

  • 2 Toilets!
  • A wicker porch chair
  • A canvas patio umbrella
  • A double mattress
  • An office chair
  • A surprise luggage case (I didn’t open it)

In-Movie Ad Fail

Celebs and Media, You Stupid Dick

Spotted in the Confessions of a Shopaholic movie (we PVR’d it. We’re a fan of the books – didn’t think too much about the movie): Prince of Persia and G-Force ads reflected in a cab window as Becks woefully drives around NYC.

Composite Artist! Flip! That! Ad!!!!

Composite Artist! Flip! That! Ad!!!!

I can imagine the Composite artist placed it properly and in walks the Disney Execs:

Exec: Wow! Great Job! Um. One thing… it’s backward.

Artist: It’s a reflection.

Exec: But nobody will be able to read it! What’s the point of having an ad if nobody notices it?

Artist: It’s non-intrusive!

Exec: MAKE IT INTRUSIVE!

Artist: (Under his breath) You’re an ass.

The Power Of Music

Toronto

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

SharkBoy and I hit the corner of Gerrard and Woodbine and stand in front of the TTC stop, waiting for the streetcar. With us is a well dress couple who, probably like us, are coming home from a seasonal house party.

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

The stop is just outside a divey bar – the kind that generally fills up when a major sports event or end-of-the-month cheques come out.

I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;

The four of us are doing little dances to keep warm.

I heard the mission bell

The woman of the other couple notices a solo guy standing in the front window of the bar. He’s holding a mike and staring at a karaoke machine. The monitor is showing the next song, but the musical lead in is really long. We should totally sing this, the woman says.

And I was thinking to myself,
this could be heaven or this could be hell

We start to sing like it’s Xmas. I haven’t heard this song since my high school days (it reminds me of drunk cottage parties) and I’m amazed at how I stumble over the quick lyrics.

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say…

We sing the song, add some falsetto harmonies and the odd comment (“Any time of year, you can drink a beer!”). The song ends and we applaud and get a nod from the singer. As if on cue the street car comes. We say nothing else to each other as we board the car, the awkward Toronto attitude killing any further conversation, falling like a curtain. Moment over.

Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here