Visit Exciting Cabbagetown!

The Bad, Toronto, You Stupid Dick

Here is my copy for the local BIA’s upcoming flyer, to drum up interest in the Cabbagetown area. A place in which I live.

rotted-cabbageCabbagetown – Discover It!

Shop Cabbagetown! With over 200+ stores in our village you’ll be sure to find all your Chinese knock off needs! Visit the stores you have to push past cheap crap merchandise to actually get into the store to shop at! It’s quaint! It’s like the shop owners are saying “this is the shit we wish you’d steal!” After the boutiques, why not visit the Frills de Non Food Emporium where the ever beautiful check out staff will berate you for losing your wallet, or ignore your very presence by holding lane crossing conversations over your very head! Duck and cover!

Meet the Locals! Stop in at the hub of activity known as “The Laundromat!” where the sign outside proclaims they expertly handle Jambo sized loads! Feel free to eavesdrop on the colourful twosome from one of the many halfway homes, as they discuss how difficult it is to find “good cigarette butts” these days because everyone is cleaning up after themselves! Laugh at the antics of the Scooter Family as mother, daughter and other daughter try to negotiate the tiny corridor of washers in their three electrified scooters… at the same time! Swear words and hilarity ensue!

Street Performances Nightly! Got your dancing shoes on? Great! Because the night is the best time to evade punches at the streetcar stop as you defend yourself from fat bastards who insist on slurring your sexual orientation (regardless of what it is). Watch as they boozily toss punches like Mardi Gras beads! You’ll get caught up in the fun and become the show as people stop and stare at your street adventure! I hope you like to Tango, because this is going to go on every time the EI cheques come in! If dancing isn’t your forte, why not just people-watch from a safe distance (The Annex?) at the fine establishment that serves up the city’s cheapest draft beer and some chemical enhancements, if you know the right person to ask! Sing along with the decades old songs that get croaked like a liquored up frog, well past the 11pm noise bylaw – Wee! We don’t care if you live near by! You should be partying too!

Cabbagetown Festival Got something to sell fresh of a missing skid from your brother’s uncle in law’s shipping company? Hungry for roasted corn? And more roasted corn? Did we mention roasted corn? You can get it all and more at this yearly community event! Hundreds of homes open up their front lawns to the area’s largest garage sale! Get a scoop on what your neighbour thinks is re-sellable – like an open box of Q-Tips! Or Atari 2600 cartridges of Frogger! (Not open to people who live above stores in the BIA area)

What are you waiting for? Cabbagetown is waiting for you!

9 thoughts on “Visit Exciting Cabbagetown!

  1. Pingback: Dead Robot «Dead Robot

  2. postbear

    it’s always good to make a guest appearance as a character here, even as the guy who was dodging the punches of the drunken homophobe. there are positive things that came from the incident, though; bystanders intervened when neccesary, not one person was impressed with his constantly yodelling “faggot!” and the cops handled everything as well as i could have expected. oh, and three people stuck around afterward as witnesses instead of turning into vapour.

    other cabbagetown attractions include: the smoking coffeeshop corridor, the people who own $750 000 homes yet stealth-dump garbage because they’re too cheap or lazy to call or pay for extra pickup and the generous souls who try to rip down all the lost pet notices even as you’re posting them. david’s point stands too, but it’s not only nouveau riche queers exuding attitude – there are neighours of all orientations here who i regularly pass on the street and still can’t make eye contact or be bothered to return a nod or quick “hello”.

    eh, i still like the neighbourhood, even with all these warts exposed. you should make your next post all about the unexpected benefits of living here and the hidden gems of cabbagetown.

  3. Dead Robot

    StevieB :

    I am an affluent homosexual who would like to book a flight for 4 fabulous nights in exciting Cabbagetown. Where would I find a boutique gay hotel in this amazing town? Does the Laundromat offer bottle service?

    Well sir, you are in luck! The Hotel Amsterdam is conveniently located twixt two of Cabbagetown’s finest bustling halfway homes. I am sure one of the lovely gentlemen who stare off into the middle distance as they sit outside on their porches will happily help with your luggage.

  4. StevieB

    I am an affluent homosexual who would like to book a flight for 4 fabulous nights in exciting Cabbagetown. Where would I find a boutique gay hotel in this amazing town? Does the Laundromat offer bottle service?

  5. david

    Hilarious! And SO TRUE!!! You forgot to mention the Douch(gas)bag and Gabanana nouveau riche fagges who live with their pedigree curs in the renovated part of Cabbahj-towne who throw attitude like their dog’s poop (and their own) don’t stink. Marcus and Eviander’s soirees are the toast of the most gayye. Do stawp by if you are dressed appropriately (and under 150 pounds please). Lurve that Cabbagepatch pretensione.

Comments are closed.