Archive for category Toronto

What Are You Doing This Weekend?

I think I’m going to push a shopping cart through someone’s colon.

Please hold all your Dufferin Mall jokes. I’m sure they’ve heard them all before.

Via Torontoist.

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I Too, Have Had Sext Relations With Adam Giambrone

A few months back I was on the TTC and at Bloor station, Adam G hopped on and immediately whipped out his Blackberry.

I was utterly surprised!

He’s taller than I expected and was quite striking in his finely tailored suit – something you don’t see often on the subway. Even though I knew he was the Chair of the TTC, I thought it odd that he would actually use the Teet as part of his daily commute. I mean come on! He’s the friggin’ chair, right? Limos!

Anyway, he was so intent on getting a message out before the train moved (and killed the signal, I guess) that he huddled over his unit with utmost concern. As quickly as it started, he finished his business and seemed more relaxed and amicable to his surroundings. Was he sexting his current beau? Or another? Or some dude?

That’s actually the end of my story. Can we please leave the poor bastard alone now?

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Beauty School Drop Out

Or she’s a CPR student. Either way, no respect for a disembodied head, I tells ya!

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Rough Weather Run

Toronto’s first storm and my first rough weather run turned out to be a challenge. The slush on the sidewalk was untouched at 5:30am so I had to be careful how I landed my feet as the soup was about 2″ deep in most places. The rain/sleet felt like bees getting a hate-on all over my earlobes and cheeks. I was soaked through my gloves within 5 minutes.

But the best was the trees.

Right by the Toronto Necropolis there are a ton of fir trees that generate a special kind of noise when the wind goes through them. A noise that stirs something primal, like an alarm for us to head back to the cave and tend to a fire, because the weather is going to be the suck. When we use to go camping the fir trees near our site would whisper the coming summer storms just like they were this morning.

Rounding the corner of Sumac and Wellesley Street, I nearly slip. My ankles have been complaining since starting this endeavour and I’ve not been pushing it, but to have one suddenly lop to one side in the slush worried me some. I walked a bit. When I started up again, everything fine until I came to a downed branch across the sidewalk. Easy peasy, I just hopped onto the road and passed it. Jumping back up onto the sidewalk my foot slid about 4 inches. I went with it but it spooked me good. Combined with the complete soaking my feet had experienced, I thought it best to go back in.

As an aside, I am starting to name the scraggly people I see at this time of the morning. My favorite so far is The Black Chicklette. She’s 5ft nothing and wears black tights, super puffy black coat and a black touque. Think: an evil, anti-Fruit of the Loom grape. Twice I’ve rounded a corner and she’s scared the shit out of me.

Stuff I could populate our apartment with list is growing!

  • 2 Toilets!
  • A wicker porch chair
  • A canvas patio umbrella
  • A double mattress
  • An office chair
  • A surprise luggage case (I didn’t open it)

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The Power Of Music

On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of colitas, rising up through the air

SharkBoy and I hit the corner of Gerrard and Woodbine and stand in front of the TTC stop, waiting for the streetcar. With us is a well dress couple who, probably like us, are coming home from a seasonal house party.

Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim

The stop is just outside a divey bar – the kind that generally fills up when a major sports event or end-of-the-month cheques come out.

I had to stop for the night
There she stood in the doorway;

The four of us are doing little dances to keep warm.

I heard the mission bell

The woman of the other couple notices a solo guy standing in the front window of the bar. He’s holding a mike and staring at a karaoke machine. The monitor is showing the next song, but the musical lead in is really long. We should totally sing this, the woman says.

And I was thinking to myself,
this could be heaven or this could be hell

We start to sing like it’s Xmas. I haven’t heard this song since my high school days (it reminds me of drunk cottage parties) and I’m amazed at how I stumble over the quick lyrics.

Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say…

We sing the song, add some falsetto harmonies and the odd comment (“Any time of year, you can drink a beer!”). The song ends and we applaud and get a nod from the singer. As if on cue the street car comes. We say nothing else to each other as we board the car, the awkward Toronto attitude killing any further conversation, falling like a curtain. Moment over.

Welcome to the hotel california
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the hotel california
Any time of year, you can find it here

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Things I Could Have

Here’s a list of things I’ve seen, and theoretically could decorate/stock my apartment with, in the last 2 weeks while runung around Cabbagetown at 5am:

  • A coffee maker
  • A computer
  • A pair of shelf speakers
  • A wooden 12ft ladder
  • A regular door
  • A larger door
  • A wingback chair
  • An upholstered side chair
  • A kitchen chair
  • A fax machine

Getting curious about someone’s trash reminds me of the episode of The Oblongs where they get excited about Garbage Day from the Hill folk (sadly no YouTube example…). Expect updates.

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I Laughed Then Felt Awful

ceilingcatOkay the whole Toronto Humane Society thing is a horrid mess. It’s not funny in any way shape or form. I sort of thought something was up when we last went there – it certainly was over crowded but I just equated the cramped quarters to any “hospital” these days: overcrowded and hella busy.

The mummified cat found in the trap up in the ceiling panels made me sick to my stomach. I can’t imagine it’s last dying moments. I don’t want to.

However, according to the Globe and Mail, someone at the shelter had a sense of humour (emphasis mine):

The cat, known as Casper, was labelled “a ceiling cat” in his charts. The shelter’s database showed that the young, skittish feline had been adopted and then returned to the THS, and that his microchip was scanned nearly two months after the database was updated to say he’d been euthanized.

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Merry Chris—STOP THE BLOODSHED!

Did anyone catch the Global presentation of the Santa Claus Parade with the protester dressed as a walrus (?) jumping up on Santa’s float with the sign “PEACE ON EARTH – STOP THE SEAL HUNT!” ?

Yeah we’re watching it on TV while doing laundry, ok?

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Sky Captain and the Tower From Tomorrow

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Dear Sears Customer Service Department

Last night my family went to your Eaton Centre store to do some holiday shopping. Kudos on getting your store so Christmas ready so soon after Halloween!

My Sister In Law (let’s call her SiL) found a few interesting holiday decorations in your Christmas department on the main level of your store and took her purchases to the counter. And waited. We noted a CSR restocking some shelves near by and asked if she could ring in our purchases.

Funny thing that phrase “ring in”. It comes from when JC Penny put bells in their cash register drawers to alert management when money was coming in.

Back to my story: her response was: “I don’t know where she is. If you want to buy that you have to go allllll the way down that way.” She says with a sweeping arm movement indicating some remote part of Tibet.

She turns back to stocking Holiday ornaments. No bells here, JC! Have a happy season!

We debate the purchase. We decide since we’re here and not in a big rush to look for another sales kiosk. We find one a few isles over in the opposite direction. Thankfully we didn’t take that Sherpa’s direction.

Getting to an available cash was no problem at all. All 4 registers were manned and humming along, ignorant to the worst recession Canada has ever experienced in our lifetime. By the way, you’re welcome for our continued custom. When we get to the desk, SiL places her glass ornaments down on the counter and asks for a box.

Really they were lovely decorations: one was a glass tree, the other a glass gift box – both hand painted and gilded with holiday cheer.

The clerk picks up the gift box decoration, looks at it and without any sense of humour says “This is already in a box.”

We blink. We’re too stunned to say anything. She. Is. Serious. Without waiting for our response she rings the items in and wraps them up in crepe paper. Kudos to her for also wrapping up the plastic box of chocolates we had picked up, in crepe paper.

SiL and I are still looking at each other in amazement. Did she really think a 2″ square glass tree decoration was a gift box? SiL asks again for a box.

“Oh no we don’t have boxes for those.”

“It’s a gift…”

She sighs and pulls out a shirt box. Like wrapping a pair of ear rings in a shipping container. We decline.

She presents SiL with the  charge card slip for signature and as SiL is placing her credit card back in her purse, the clerk asks “Do you want a bag?”

Dang, I forgot. SiL’s head nearly flies off. She’s from Vermont, you see, where they don’t have crazy laws like every purchase requires we pay 0.05$ for plastic bags down there. I explain this to her.

“Why didn’t you ask if I wanted one before we finished the transaction?” Neither one of us had change.

The clerk offers no explanation and places our items to the side. She readies her station for the next purchase.

To diffuse the situation I had a bag from an earlier purchase and placed the carefully wrapped items in my bag.

“Next in line please!” Apparently we’re done and need to step aside.

I realize, Sears, that the luck of the draw might have made SiL and I encounter a couple of seasonal workers not graduated from your excellent customer service training system, but our one purchase with you has turned me off your store for a while.

Eat a microwaved bowl of dicks, Sears.

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