Category Archives: Overheard

The Death Of Liberalism

Overheard, You Stupid Dick Leave a reply

“My dad use to say: If you don’t like the noise coming out of someone’s mouth, put your fist in it.”

Okay that got my attention.

I’m sitting beside two 50-somethings at the Starbucks up by my work at Yonge and Lawrence. If you don’t know the area, it’s mostly populated with upper middle class, stand alone house owners with two cars and 2.5 kids, cared for with some South Pacific/Asian nanny. These two guys are right beside me in the busy cafe and prior to that sentence I was successful with my¬† ignorance of them.

“You know what I hate…?”

Oh please do tell.

“These lefty Liberals at fucking city hall. They need to be cleared out, all of them. A fucking waste of money and time. I called city hall this morning and I got someone at 9:45am… 9:45 am!! And asked them about something and do you know what they said to me?? ‘Wait a minute, I need to turn on my computer.’ They had 45 minutes to turn it on!!”

My back arches. My eyes go to the window so I can see his reflection. If I had not heard this garbage I would have assumed he was a nice, almost kind looking older guy. But after hearing this, he’s super ugly. I’m about to say something, the sentence forming in my mouth, when his friend speaks up:

“Well, maybe he had some paper work to do before starting his computer? It is a bureaucracy, you know.”

That shut him up. On that topic. I leave these two dicks before I get a fist in my mouth.

Wait Until The New Cars Come!

Overheard, You Stupid Dick

Subway, 4:15pm. Two girls and a guy enter at Rosedale station. They’re dressed like they’ve come right off the pages of a ZARA catalogue. They plant themselves in the doorway of the car.

Guy fusses with his vague military-esque like jacket thing as they speak in vocal sliding tones that resemble The Hills. Or they’re vocally texting each other. Either way, my ears start to puss up.

Girl #1: I hope your shirt comes off tonight. (ahhup yr shirt coms aff tunit).
Guy: This shirt is sooo hard to get off!
Girl #1: I hope your shirt comes off tonight! (said faster)

They laugh. But like a tired, bored laugh. Limp. Like you just told a fart joke to an English Lord. They pause.

Guy: (Looking at his reflection in the window) I wish they had Sophora lighting in here.

Overheard

Overheard

I’m walking home along Carlton Street, wearing my new Big Bang Theory bag that I got for Xmas and I’m insanely proud of. A couple fall in step behind me as I pass a corner.

He: I’m sure she was all like “You know!” and I said…

The conversation dies abruptly. I sense the sudden halt in his blathering due to their proximity to my behind, otherwise I would not have noticed.

He: The bag…

She: I know. (pause) Cool.

Who Doesn’t?

Overheard, Toronto

Corner of Carlton and Jarvis, 6:34pm, waiting for the light.

Me: In Fallout 3, I’ve chosen an option called Bloody Mess that does 5% more damage to zombies and, as an added bonus, makes them explode… in a bloody mess!

SharkBoy: Cooo oo ool! I love exploding zombies!

Ramdom Eavesdropping Homo: Who doesn’t?

Carb-bucks

Overheard

8:10am Starbucks by my office.

Gentleman in front of me: Oh great! You have the holiday cups now! That must mean you have Gingerbread lattes! (scans the big board) Uh. Where…? For many years you had a drink called Gingerbread latte…?

My Favorite Barista: They’re called Gingersnaps now! It’s really the same thing.

Gentleman: Then I want the same thing (he says – emphasis on “want” and “same thing”)

Me: (Leaning in) They removed the “Bread” because it sounded “carby”

Walter and Perry

Overheard, Queer stuff

Home Movies - Walter and PerryAt my gym, there are two guys who are dressing just as SharkBoy and I are arriving at the locker room. I will call them Walter and Perry, based on the two 8 year old homosexual couple from Brendon Small’s understated cartoon masterpiece: Home Movies. The cartoon Walter and Perry transcend homosexuality. They bring it to a new level of devotion, well into the “creepy” zone. Like couples wearing matching soft focus kitten shirts in Wal Mart.

Our gym Walter and Perry, however, are not as funny.

While I suspect they’re gay, they yammer on about stupid shit that may or may not identify them as being gay, while throwing in vapid “guy talk” that completely destroys their butch facade. They think this is hilarious and have their volume set so that the rest of the locker room can hear how much fun they’re having. Once I saw them outside the gym, throwing punches at each other in a manly, “lookit us be butch!” kind of way. I can think of many other ways to look manly, starting with passive aggressiveness.

Walter, the short 5’5″ muscle guy, obviously overcompensating for his height, actually struts around the locker room with his towel strategically placed just below the start of his ass crack. Hot? Not! This kind of thing might work at a bath house, but in a public gym? Yerk! Perry, an average height guy and the “brains” of the two, creates the suggestive butch-shattering situations to see how far he can push Walter. Like this little gem overheard this morning, two isles over:

Perry: Move your ass. (Pause) I bet you’d do it for money.
Walter: What? Fucked in the ass?
Perry: Yeah! You’d totally go do it for $5000

I have no clue why he chose $5000. I know plenty of straight guys who would not even touch buttsex at 5x that amount, let alone gay guys who would pay that much to have it done to them.

Walter: You wish! Nah man. Not me.
Perry: Come on. You wouldn’t do it for …5 minutes for $5000?
Walter: No man!

There’s a pause. Then some mumbling.

Not sure which: It’s all about girth, not length.

For Those Who Look Young

Overheard

Two workers near my cube. One is wearing a shiny silver near-miniskirt and is rocking it nicely, in my books.

Coworker 1: I remember when I was a kid and I wanted a skirt like that and couldn’t afford it. I saved for weeks until it was out of fashion.

Coworker 2: (tugs uncomfortably on the skirt) I… Wore it on a whim.

Saftey First!

Overheard

Woman #1: “My daughter failed her first driver’s test.”
Woman #2: “Really…?”
Woman #1: “We went to the east end office for the test and they failed her for one thing! I found out that they have a high rate of failures there so the next time we went to North York and was in and out of the test in 5 minutes!”