Day One

Day Two and Three

Day Four and Five

Day Six and Seven

Day Six – COZUMEL AND SEGWAYS
Despite everything you’ve heard and read about Segways, they will fall over, they will crash and they will hurt you. Don’t be lulled into the lie that they’re the “transporter of the future”, because they’re actually very uncomfortable and touchy machines, much like a skittish pony with diarrhea. I couldn’t see someone actually using one as a utility vehicle. You just stand there, really. Not much else.

But, you can say the same about inline skates, really.

Try standing for twenty minutes only slightly changing your stance every so often. You just stand there, really. Not much else. Try standing for twenty minutes only slightly changing your stance every so often, it gets hard on the knees and feet.

Though I grouse, Segways are actually a ton of fun to ride. I couldn’t see someone actually using one as a utility vehicle.

The Segway and Snorkel Safari was the “I feel dirty for taking it” excursion I insisted on doing while in Cozumel. Apparently fallout from throwing wads of cash at Storm-surviving Cozumel was to get all sorts of weird new attractions. Hence the Segways. About 20 of us walked a bit of a distance from the port to a “gentleman’s” bar to suit up and watch a short but hillarious video of Segway saftey. Many spills can be taken! Especially if you place babies on the handlebars.

We Segwayed and then shopped in Cozumel. Which was extremely satisfying. The market was full of fun trinkets and we spent the most there.

Back to the boat before the sky opened up. It rained for about 20 minutes and we had clouds for the rest of the evening.

Day Seven – GRAND CAYMAN AND STINGRAYS
Stingrays! Back to these “vacuum cleaners of the Caribbean Sea”. Gentle as cats and yet still able to illicit a child’s scream louder than Armageddon itself (as one parent on our tour was unfortunate to discover). I felt at peace with these creatures. I wish I could flab my sides and glide around. If I did that now, my sides would just jiggle. A lot.

We then scooted over to a remote reef outcrop for some snorkeling and I had a blast. I saw Shelly’s cousin but wasn’t cool with diving down the 20ft to go get her. And this time the tour guide in the boat utterly poo-pooed the idea of brining one home. I wonder how I got away with getting Shelly home last year…?

Back on land and we had a quick visit to Hell. Yep. Hell, Grand Cayman. Odd place in the middle of the island. Outcropping of volcanic rock that looked painful.

Dinner was lobster, and then on top of that, it was the midnight buffet. Oh lord did I eat?! YES LORD I DID!

Day One pictures here.

Day Two and Three pickchas here.

Day Four and Five images for you here.

Day Four – BELIZE AND ZIP LINES
We’re told as we’re waiting for tenders to sidle up to our ship, that the cave tubing portion of our excursion was cancelled and that we’d be given a small cash refund and a little longer time at the zip lines in the jungles of Belize. Fair dinkum we all say!

Into the boats and into the busses and we’re down that same road as last year out of town and along the narrow 2000kph stretch of highway across the flat land to the sudden lumps, jutting out of the horizon. We’re at the jungle and our guide tells us that Belize is starting to harvest egrets for meat. “Tastes exactly like chicken!” he says. I’m dubious.

The zip lines go too fast and it started to rain at the first line, making the ropes slippery. There were 7 lines in all with only one repel at the end, so in all, not bad. Though last year, in my humble opinion, the view was better and less rushed. They were pushing a lot of people through that day. I nearly broke my ankle at one tree deck. The guide told me not to brake at all and I guess with my extra weight, I came in too hot and used my right foot to stop myself on the platform. Ow.

Lunch was delish. Egret? Chicken? Who knows?

Back at the boat we relaxed and got together for pre-dinner girl drinks. I gots me a nice funny lookin’ martini glass (which I recognized from Pier One Imports a month before). Pre-dinner entertainment consisted of a musical review of jazzy, swingy, Broadway showtunes. Cheese Factor 6.5 but they did a good job on the costumes and sets.

Dinner. So fat. It was delish as usual. We came back to our room to a bat towel arrangement. Never saw that one last year!

Day Five – COSTA MAYA AND THE RUINS
We’re up and walking between the ships to get to shore. Like a ready made steel canyon. Cool!

Into the bus for a two hour ride into the interior to visit Kohunlich & Dzibanche, two ruins about 40 min apart, one partially excavated and the other, pruned and trimmed with cut grass approaches which made it look like a park. The first thing we encounter are howler monkeys up in the trees. Lordy these things send chills up your spine. They hoot and echo so loud!

The temples themselves were nothing short of amazing. I was stunned and enthralled and loved finding stuff out about these ruins. All the time I was wondering what it must have looked like when they were occupied.

Back to the boat for a fattening dinner and a lazy walk around. Evil Panda gave me some time on the craps table to explain how the damn game is run. So confusing but I was getting close to understanding it. Nearly went and got some chips too but it was closing in on 1am and we had another full day ahead.

…to announce that Rod (one half of the Photogs) has posted most of his Cruise trip photos up to flickr. I say “most” with tongue in cheek, he claims to have over 2200 images! Please enjoy these incredibly insanely great pictures! I’ve gone half way through and they’re work safe, except for the excessive flab on me, shirtless.

Thanks Rod and Bill! I am really happy you guys took so many pictures!

Day one images here.

Day two and three images here.

Day Two – BOARDING THE EXPLORER
We wake and get an early start at Jerry’s Deli, a massive derrigible-hanger of a deco-deli, popular with the South Beach crowd. After that, we all hit the ground running in different directions. Some went shopping to replace their missing camera, some helped find a good deal on said missing camera shopping and others just wandered off. Sharkboy and I went and got chocolate covered blueberries and an underwater disposable camera. We were good to go!

By noon, we were speeding towards the dock crammed into two taxis. With our luggage taken from us at the curb, we had a few hours to kill before we left so we all explored. And explored. And ate. And explored some more. We wound up on the bow of the ship for the last moments in Miami. We scooted around the Freedom of the Seas, currently the world’s largest cruise ship (next year?) and turned around in the basin. I got to see a dolphin, but was too slow to get it’s picture. At that point, Griz and Evil Panda showed up, meeting us on the bow. We hug and make merry until it got a bit too chilly to stand out there so we went back to the room and changed for the pre-dinner show.

At the ship’s theatre, The Cruise Director, a handsome lad from BC, was given the once over by our group and deemed extremely do-able. Shaved head, smart, and tall. Smiled with his eyes. Unremarkable show of a balancing act and comedian who’s timing was so

off

that you could drive the ship itself in between the pauses before she hit the punchlines.

Off to dinner! Yum! They did everything except wipe our chins. I’ve been told the food on these ships is considered some of the best in the industry, even if they’re churning out 3000 plates in one night. I could hear my waist expand just looking at the menu.

We all congregated in Evil Panda’s room after dinner and discussed shore excursions. Turns out that we’re not all going on the same ones, which would make for nice dinner conversations at the end of the day.

DAY 3 – AT SEA
Not much to do other than tour some of the ship and sit out on deck.

We make our first enemy: 5 of us are sitting in a small theatre waiting for a tour of the ship’s science department. The Explorer is the only cruise ship that constantly monitors the current and temperature of the Caribbean waters since it circles ’round and ’round it all year long. We’re upbeat and happy. The theatre isn’t that full and a couple of about 70yrs of age sit directly in front of us. After a few moments, the man turns to the Mailman and asks him to keep it down because he doesn’t like the “constant chatter” that the 5 of us are generating. We’re in shock… us being loud? While the tour hasn’t even started yet? Sharkboy quips back “There are other seats.” and we leave it at that, adjusting our volume until the guide arrives.

“How is everyone doing?” the guide says, to open up his tour.

“I’m afraid to say…” says the Mailman very loudly to the back of “Constant Chatter’s” head.

Later on, we encounter “Constant Chatter” man, his silent wife and his geriatric crew several times over the duration of the cruise. The most notable run-in was, during a massive drunken treasure hunt game called “The Quest” that involved audience participation as they hunt for “three ladies’ bras” or “three men’s trousers”, etc. At the end, Constant Chattering man interrupted the show to boldly announce that his group of fossils were all over 70 and drunk. Wow. It really was embarrassing to see and slightly enraging to know this was the man who shushed us not 24 hours prior. Nice… Now sit down, gramps.

Anyway, that was later on. We’re still on Day 3…

The rest of the day was spent eating. Eating eating eating. And spending about $20 in the casino. Those money grubbing machines. I hated them so much I had to stuff about $80 of my money into them over the duration of the cruise, just to shut them up.

No I didn’t win anything.

Early to bed because the next day was to be Belize: zip lines and inner-tubing through caves. Woot!

After a year’s preparation and weeks of worrysome bathing suit purchases, we were off to Miami to get on board The Explorer of the Seas!

First day images here.

Day One – NIGHT IN MIAMI
The Mailman, The Busdriver, Sharkboy and I are walking away from the gate after a near perfect flight down when suddenly The Busdriver announces he has to go back to the plane. He’s left his camera onboard. Not even 5 min after disembarking, the camera is lost and no amount of pleading with the crew would let him back on (obviously). The lost baggage claim people were less than helpful, as that they didn’t even want to take The Busdriver’s name and number just in case it showed up. This whole ordeal makes me think of an opening line from my brother’s play The Innocent Eye Test: “Why does Air Canada hate us so?” This was the first of a couple Left Behind moments the Busdriver was to experience…

To the Clay hotel, which was glam on the outside and just below basic on the inside. No matter, we’re not there for the luxury, just the night. The Juliet balcony over the market was a nice touch though.

At this point I’d like to go on record as saying “I love Miami.” It’s a beautiful town and would live there in a heartbeat if there weren’t so many Americans. Juuuust kidding. But it is a great city. I love the architecture, the culture and the vibe. If I were to live there, I’d certainly have a scooter or a Segway…

Jackael (Jack and Michael) and the Photogs (Rod and Bill) showed up just in time for all of us to enjoy lunch at the hotel restaurant (with drinks!). It became instantly clear that we were travelling with some severely undersexed individuals as comments started to fly about (and at!) our poor waiter, Deigo. It was like having lunch with refined Italian Construction workers. Deigo had a disarming smile but Michael’s constant flirtatious questions certainly threw him off balance.

The 8 of us (Evil Panda and Grizz would be meeting us on the ship the day we sailed) then wandered down to the beach and lo and behold, we instantly found the gay section, marked off by massive rainbow flags. Lucky us! Apparently Miami has zero bear population, judging by the amount of body fat/hair on the sunbathers. On our wander, The Busdriver experienced Left Behind Moment 2: his reading glasses went AWOL during a fun photo shoot by a lifeguard station. While he searched for them, we decide to wander down to the end of the beach to watch that night’s round of cruise ships sail out of port as the sun set behind the condos and palms. Some of the posse had never seen a cruise ship in action and were suitably impressed. I kept thinking about the dinners…

We lazily walked back to the hotel along Ocean Drive to see some Deco and beautiful people. Sharkboy insisted on stopping by Miami Ink, the tattoo parlour made famous by the TLC TV show of the same name. We peer in the windows like it was Xmas at The Bay, but no stars were to be seen, except the new shop manager. After that the group split up. Some went looking for a bar, some went to bed, Sharkboy and I looked and found our favorite Wallgreens for pure American shopping excitement. Back to the hotel and in bed by 11pm, the sound of the salsa music wafting up from the bar, transporting us to slumberland.