The F.U.N. Song

What kind of day did I have today? Let me sum it up with a song from Spongebob Squarepants:

The F.U.N. Song
(Speaking Part)
Spongebob: It’s not about winning, it’s about fun!
Plankton: What’s that?
Spongebob: Fun is when you…fun is…it’ like…it’s kinda…sorta like a… What is fun?? HERE…Let me spell it for you!

Spongebob:
F is for Friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me.
N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.

Sea Creatures:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
F is for Fire that burns down the whole town.
U is for URANIUM…BOMBS!
N is for No survivors when you’re-

Spongebob:
Plankton! Those things aren’t what fun is all about!
Now, do it like this,
F is for Friends who do stuff to-

Plankton:
Never! That’s completely idiotic!

Spongebob:
Here, Let me help you…
F is for friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me, TRY IT!

Plankton:
N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.

Sea Creatures:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
Wait…I don’t understand …I feel all tingly inside…
Should we stop?

Spongebob:
No! That’s how you’re supposed to feel!

Plankton:
Well I like it! Lets do it again!

Spongebob: Okay!

Spongebob & Plankton:
F is for Frolic through all the flowers.
U is for Ukelele.
N is for Nose picking, chewing gum, and sand licking.
Here with my best buddy.

(Laughing part)

Sea Creatures: Down in the deep blue sea.

Part The Two: Our Hero Eats

Mike brought me a t-shirt from Vancouver…my second favorite Sushi restaraunt in the world.

My sister took us to the Dragon Pearl in Calgary where they served the best Salt and Pepper Lemon Seafood I have ever tasted. She went on to Freudian Slip-Up the soup appetizer into “Hot and Sewer Soup”. Laughs all around. I got my dad to eat Ethiopian food. He was cool with eating with his fingers but he was more interested in picking up the waiter. “Should I go? I could leave you two alone…”

I had 4 – 5 cups of tea in the morning with the paper. It was heaven. Ive not done that in a long time. Rhino (bro-in-law) insisted on making bacon in the microwave, which was ok, but nothing beats the gooeychooey of fat on a nice piece of smokey.

The last meal we had was at the Chicago Chophouse. $50 T-bone steaks ($5 extra for the garlic mashed potatoes) and (I kid you not) $20,000 bottles of wine. No lie. I had to rub my eyes to make sure the comma was in the right place. The restaruant was total “Beef and Oil” old-boy kinda place with the largest fully stocked bar I have ever seen (to impress the American investors-including the career bartender who knew every single drink on either side of the border, ever) and golf on the bigscreen tv in the pre-dinner lounge. The waitresses were nice in a classy Hooters kinda way. Dinner was about $100/person after dessert.

Part the Three: Various bits

• My sister’s house is massive. I really hope that she can offload it without any loss.
• I also hope she can build the house she wants beside the house she needs to offload. She’s busier than a paper wasp at a pulp fiction convention.
• I wore Government of Canada, Parks Canada rented shorts. I looked like I had canvas diapers on. Mike oddly enough looked kind of like a 1950s dad at a cottage…
• The mountains smell…like pine… We speculated as to whether or not there was a car freshener factory near by when in Kananaskis.
• There are some wicked used book stores in Calgary: I got Caves of Steel and Foundation, Issac Asimov; Salmon of a Doubt, Douglas Adams (I recommend. I was a bit aprehensive when I heard they were raiding his hard drives…Im glad they did); Crytonomicon, Neal Stephenson (I was reading it on the streetcar the other day and this guy punched his girlfriend and pointed at me “HE’S READING IT!!”)

Package

So Im in Pharma Plus returning some of those nearly disposable battery operated toothbrush heads. See I bought a “Spin Brush Pro” and picked up just the “Spin Brush” regular or something. They were the wrong ones. So anyway. I ask the woman at the counter if I could return them but I had bought them a while back and inbetween that time I had gone to Calgary and stuff. The package was still sealed so she said “I dont think it will be a problem.”

…And then just stood there

So I look at her. She looks at me. Then glances down one of the isles.

A moment passes.

I make a face that says, “So?”

“Oh theyre in the basement,” she says, like Im suppose to know who ‘they’ are and why ‘theyre’ in the basement.

Another moment.

“Can…you call them?”

“Oh theres no phone in the basement,” she said all conspiratory-esque.

Another moment.

Actually the moment lasted longer than a standard moment. More like an English Imperial moment. All bloated and confused.

“Is there a snake pit on the way to the basement?” I ask.

Her look was one like a Fembot that had just 1) had its face knocked off…all embarassed and exposed; and 2) glazed over like a Fembot that looked like “Whoa…water…Im gonna explode…”

I made excuses and left.

Totally unrelated: I forgot something my sister said in Calgary as we were driving around with Dad and Donald and myself: “I wonder what kind of package you need for a woody like that?” My eyes bug out. She meant the tricked up PT Cruiser beside us. Oh straight people…

I, Robot

We’ve all had this happen. We grew up on a story or book that in some way has touched us. We put the book down and our lives are changed. Our perspective is solidified for most of our lives due to the written words on a page. Thus it was for me with the book I, Robot by Isaac Asimov.

I read a site almost daily called Dark Horizons (dont bother…spyware galore) which isnt the greatest in new media reporting. The author is from Australia but he seems to get some juicy tidbits every so often. When I saw the first report that I, Robot was bought and in pre-production I was happy yet apprehensive. Im still sore from Bicentennial Man and A.I. (Kubrick should haunt Spielberg for 10000 years for that crap ending), so when I heard that this book…this marvel of short stories dedicated to human condition and logistics…was going to be made into a movie I got worried.

The first indication that this movie will be bad is that its being filmed in Vancouver. Oh Vancouver friends and lovers, take no offense, but your fine city is not the model city of the future even with all the street dressing in the world. Maybe Chicago or some place dirty would make a good near-future villa (heee! Evil Panda). I am sure the movie is going to resemble some cheap assed Paul Verhoeven sci fi film (see: art direction for Total Recall).

The other indication is that Will Smith is starring. Okay… Ive read I, Robot a few times. There aint no black lead character. I seem to remember a Susan Calvin as a character that is re-occuring throughout the book. An introverted woman nerd. Not a black male music artist.

The final indication is that early set reports have Will Smith as a police officer. WTF? There’s a reporter who is never identified but no police in any of the stories. So its safe to say theyre deviating from the stories somewhat. Can you read the sarcasm, kids? Mike (from Vanc.) tells me that the set was admonished the other day because of gunfire at an early morning shoot. Gunfire. Im flipping through the book. Nope…other than a massive raygun blast that levels a mountain there are no firefights in it. I may weep openly.

So Im sad. As more stuff comes out from the set I will keep you posted about my utter disgust.

Tacking on History

I discovered that I had not transfered all my old blog before deleting it off the server. I showed my boss the WayBack machine at Archive.org and thought to look in on my old stomping/griping ground “mytorontoapartment.com”. I am sitting here at work, slowly adding to the archives. Feel free to scan them. I’ve had to edit them slightly only for broken links and long gone images. So no ‘unfeasably larged testicle raccoon animated GIF’ anymore. Sorry.

Cachorro

The Toronto In and Out Film Festival (who’s site is down as I type this) will be screening this movie (titled “Bear Cub” for us non-Spaniards).

I recommend that if you slightly align yourself with hairy, easygoing men or consider yourself hard core Bear, you rent this movie instead of going to the theatre, especially since the extras on the DVD show a little more humour and different facets of the story than what you’ll see on screen (you can get it at 7/24 Video on Church). The themes aren’t new but it is a first for the Bear community. At least I think this is the first fully “Bear-identified” movie… Cachorro is about Pedro, a Bear living in Madrid who has to take care of his nephew and has to change his promiscuous, somewhat love-shy life and in doing so, becomes a better person bla bla bla. I make it sound boring but its far from it. There are a few scenes that had me blubbering and holding my breath.

One thing about the translation/subtitles: I hope you can speed read. I’m not sure if the Spanish language is actually that quick or I’ve become a slow reader. You may need to hit REWIND a couple times. Which isnt a bad thing because 99% of the guys in this movie are frikkin hot.

I have to agree with Sharkboy when he said half way through Cachorro: “We need to have more Bear parties.”

Paranoid Friend

I have a paranoid friend and I love him to bits.

He keeps a small, cut up meatloaf tin over his apartment door letter slot. He says it to stop people from looking in at his $10,000 worth of computer bits. Once I tried to put a birthday card through his slot and wasn’t able to because of the snail mail firewall.

He has the most virus protection on his computer I have ever seen. He was shocked when he discovered that my computer doesn’t have an Admin password. In a conspiratory tone, he tells me of a way of putting a password in twice to make sure my box is secure. His wireless router’s password is changed daily.

He tells me that the Weathernetwork.ca, under order from Tourism Ontario, puts “nice” weather stats up before a long weekend, regardless of its going to be rainy or sunny, motivating people to travel. He wonders what kind of kickbacks The Weather Network gets.

Last night, over Rolo Blizzards, he made me stare at a cut out of Ronald McDonald. Close. Hard. He tells me that for the last 10 years, TV commercial Ronald has been played by a woman. It was the closest to a “Pulp Fiction” moment I have ever been to.