Package

So Im in Pharma Plus returning some of those nearly disposable battery operated toothbrush heads. See I bought a “Spin Brush Pro” and picked up just the “Spin Brush” regular or something. They were the wrong ones. So anyway. I ask the woman at the counter if I could return them but I had bought them a while back and inbetween that time I had gone to Calgary and stuff. The package was still sealed so she said “I dont think it will be a problem.”

…And then just stood there

So I look at her. She looks at me. Then glances down one of the isles.

A moment passes.

I make a face that says, “So?”

“Oh theyre in the basement,” she says, like Im suppose to know who ‘they’ are and why ‘theyre’ in the basement.

Another moment.

“Can…you call them?”

“Oh theres no phone in the basement,” she said all conspiratory-esque.

Another moment.

Actually the moment lasted longer than a standard moment. More like an English Imperial moment. All bloated and confused.

“Is there a snake pit on the way to the basement?” I ask.

Her look was one like a Fembot that had just 1) had its face knocked off…all embarassed and exposed; and 2) glazed over like a Fembot that looked like “Whoa…water…Im gonna explode…”

I made excuses and left.

Totally unrelated: I forgot something my sister said in Calgary as we were driving around with Dad and Donald and myself: “I wonder what kind of package you need for a woody like that?” My eyes bug out. She meant the tricked up PT Cruiser beside us. Oh straight people…

I, Robot

We’ve all had this happen. We grew up on a story or book that in some way has touched us. We put the book down and our lives are changed. Our perspective is solidified for most of our lives due to the written words on a page. Thus it was for me with the book I, Robot by Isaac Asimov.

I read a site almost daily called Dark Horizons (dont bother…spyware galore) which isnt the greatest in new media reporting. The author is from Australia but he seems to get some juicy tidbits every so often. When I saw the first report that I, Robot was bought and in pre-production I was happy yet apprehensive. Im still sore from Bicentennial Man and A.I. (Kubrick should haunt Spielberg for 10000 years for that crap ending), so when I heard that this book…this marvel of short stories dedicated to human condition and logistics…was going to be made into a movie I got worried.

The first indication that this movie will be bad is that its being filmed in Vancouver. Oh Vancouver friends and lovers, take no offense, but your fine city is not the model city of the future even with all the street dressing in the world. Maybe Chicago or some place dirty would make a good near-future villa (heee! Evil Panda). I am sure the movie is going to resemble some cheap assed Paul Verhoeven sci fi film (see: art direction for Total Recall).

The other indication is that Will Smith is starring. Okay… Ive read I, Robot a few times. There aint no black lead character. I seem to remember a Susan Calvin as a character that is re-occuring throughout the book. An introverted woman nerd. Not a black male music artist.

The final indication is that early set reports have Will Smith as a police officer. WTF? There’s a reporter who is never identified but no police in any of the stories. So its safe to say theyre deviating from the stories somewhat. Can you read the sarcasm, kids? Mike (from Vanc.) tells me that the set was admonished the other day because of gunfire at an early morning shoot. Gunfire. Im flipping through the book. Nope…other than a massive raygun blast that levels a mountain there are no firefights in it. I may weep openly.

So Im sad. As more stuff comes out from the set I will keep you posted about my utter disgust.

Tacking on History

I discovered that I had not transfered all my old blog before deleting it off the server. I showed my boss the WayBack machine at Archive.org and thought to look in on my old stomping/griping ground “mytorontoapartment.com”. I am sitting here at work, slowly adding to the archives. Feel free to scan them. I’ve had to edit them slightly only for broken links and long gone images. So no ‘unfeasably larged testicle raccoon animated GIF’ anymore. Sorry.

Cachorro

The Toronto In and Out Film Festival (who’s site is down as I type this) will be screening this movie (titled “Bear Cub” for us non-Spaniards).

I recommend that if you slightly align yourself with hairy, easygoing men or consider yourself hard core Bear, you rent this movie instead of going to the theatre, especially since the extras on the DVD show a little more humour and different facets of the story than what you’ll see on screen (you can get it at 7/24 Video on Church). The themes aren’t new but it is a first for the Bear community. At least I think this is the first fully “Bear-identified” movie… Cachorro is about Pedro, a Bear living in Madrid who has to take care of his nephew and has to change his promiscuous, somewhat love-shy life and in doing so, becomes a better person bla bla bla. I make it sound boring but its far from it. There are a few scenes that had me blubbering and holding my breath.

One thing about the translation/subtitles: I hope you can speed read. I’m not sure if the Spanish language is actually that quick or I’ve become a slow reader. You may need to hit REWIND a couple times. Which isnt a bad thing because 99% of the guys in this movie are frikkin hot.

I have to agree with Sharkboy when he said half way through Cachorro: “We need to have more Bear parties.”

Paranoid Friend

I have a paranoid friend and I love him to bits.

He keeps a small, cut up meatloaf tin over his apartment door letter slot. He says it to stop people from looking in at his $10,000 worth of computer bits. Once I tried to put a birthday card through his slot and wasn’t able to because of the snail mail firewall.

He has the most virus protection on his computer I have ever seen. He was shocked when he discovered that my computer doesn’t have an Admin password. In a conspiratory tone, he tells me of a way of putting a password in twice to make sure my box is secure. His wireless router’s password is changed daily.

He tells me that the Weathernetwork.ca, under order from Tourism Ontario, puts “nice” weather stats up before a long weekend, regardless of its going to be rainy or sunny, motivating people to travel. He wonders what kind of kickbacks The Weather Network gets.

Last night, over Rolo Blizzards, he made me stare at a cut out of Ronald McDonald. Close. Hard. He tells me that for the last 10 years, TV commercial Ronald has been played by a woman. It was the closest to a “Pulp Fiction” moment I have ever been to.

Three Things About my Dental Hygenist You Need To Know

1) She talks. Non stop. But I guess that is on par for anyone who has their fingers in your mouth. No chance whatsoever of getting a word in edgewise. At the end of the cleaning, my Dentist came in to inspect her work and looked up at the TV to see Dr Phil (more on that in a moment) and he asks what today’s show is about. She launches into such a disjointed monologue, emphasized with finger pointing at the screen, that the writers for LOST would have been envious: “He’s got two girlfriends but one is his wife and she the girlfriend, is her ex best friend and he’s had two kids with them within a month of each other and he cant decide…”

I shoot a look at my Dentist. His eyes are sheilded of course but they tell all. Nothing. He’s sat through this rant before.

2) She has a sense of humour. On her “Wall of Teef” or “Wall of Great Gums” or something, there is an area of nothing but cats. I am assuming cats from clients. Unless she’s a crazy cat lady, which wouldnt surprise me one bit. Smack dab in the centre of the cat collage is a picture of ALF. I dont know if its a sick joke or what. But it’s funny.

3) She loves Dr Phil. I have never seen a show of his, nor have I seen his initial appearances on Oprah, either. It was like watching Desperate Housewives on Quaaludes. “I. Will. Leave. Him.” chants a upper middle class woman so mired in low self esteem, she makes Kirstie Alley look like… Dr Phil. Of course, I am biased because of all the screaming, punching Springer/Montel/Maury/Ricky Lake shows I’ve seen.

Where should I be?

I should be making how much?! Scroll down to third from the bottom, Graphics Designer. And that’s USD$. I am no where near the mean. And that makes me mean.

Not that I’m greedy or anything. I just want to be able to buy my dad’s crap car.

Update: I just checked with Salary.com and got this tidbit for our Canadian readers:

A typical Web Designer working in Toronto, ON earns a median base salary of $55,724, according to our analysis of data reported by corporate HR departments. Half of the people in this job earn between $49,245 and $64,919.

So I am running about $20K less than the median! Holy slave-driving crap!