Tag Archives: sex

The Lesson: First for Everything

Personal Bits

Two upper middle class, housework-shunning, career women sit down to lunch, order martinis and the topic of their children come up. A common complaint is discovered and a plan is hatched.

When I was 13 (ish), my mother announced I would be going out on a date. Imagine the internal spit take that generated. My mother… the matchmaker! I was appalled for a moment at the thought of her talking about my inability to socialize with strangers. And my social ineptitude… Wait… What? With a girl?

Holyshitwaitaminnit… A date with a girl??! Would I have to kiss her?

At this time I had already had sex with a man. I knew it was right, my hard wired brain was just doing what it was genetically told to do. But somewhere in my chest, a voice said “Oh fuck it! Give it a whirl!” So when you hear earfucks saying “Gay is learned!” or “Gay can be behaviorally eradicated from your system!” punch those fuckers in the nuts for me. It makes me physically ill to think that people can “cure” you by rote (or disfiguring electroshock). I digress. I decided to give it a whirl, despite the huge fear that was in my goolies.

She was my age and slightly gangly and while she was not the most popular girl in school, she was smart. Near genius smart for her age. I was more intimidated by that, than her sex. My mom stood just outside of earshot (which, by the way is physically impossible) while I made the call:

“Hello Dorcas…?”

Let’s stop right there. I am sure the reason Dorcas was so intelligent and wise beyond her years was purely based on the need to constantly explain to people her name was not a vehicle for child-like slurs. Get it out of your system now, I’m sure she had heard them all well before she was 5 years old in numerous playground and recess gatherings. Dork Ass; Door Knob; Dork Face; Dumb Ass etc. Years after our date, I had seen her verbally rip the skin off of some drunk fucker who called her out about her name, during a illegal teen drinking party. While her words were venomous, her eyes were dead set and almost blasé. She had her name defense response honed to an art.

Of course, her name was the first thing we talked about on our date. I thought I asked politely but my question still riled her. “It’s from the bible,” she told me, “Not that I’m religious or read it at all.” We then tore into how embarrassing our mothers were: from naming conventions to matchmaking. We were friends then.

But throughout the evening there was a voice in my head. “You gonna kiss her when this is over?”

I admit that the night was a blur. I do know we went to Star Wars. I do remember her telling me that hand holding was not required. I do remember at the end of the evening, after walking her home, standing at her door, (thankfully without any parent in view – we lived in an age when 13 year olds could walk the streets unattended) we did kiss. I think I kissed her teeth.

We became friends after that. Like “holy Christ we will never, EVER talk of this again” kind of friends. When Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back came out, we went on another “date” much to the amazement of our parents. I remember my Mom reeling like being hit by a slap when I mentioned Dorcas and I were going out on another date, three years after the last. We laughed hysterically at the end of the evening when I kissed her hand.

Two upper middle class, housework-shunning, career women sit down to lunch, order martinis and awkwardly avoid talk of their children.

Last Tango In Jadac

Celebs and Media

jadac

A friend who knows I’m jonesing for Dexter and Mad Men to return, sent me this online game Last Tango In Jadac, based on the Movie Network’s show ZOS (Zone of Separation). The start of the game introduces a character called Speedo Boy, from which you can guess his costume choice (played deliciously over the top by Enrico Colantoni, who geeks will know as the guy who framed Gigolo Joe in Spielberg’s A.I.), and he invites you to wander the streets of Jadac and meet his people.

Being a newbie to The Movie Network, I’m trying to get as much cool, commercial free stuff in as possible and have watched a couple ZoS to recognize the characters around the game. LTiJ is an “interactive fiction experience” that utilizes 3D graphics as navigation, which takes a bit of getting use to to move around, and Flash video that lets you interact with Jadac’s population. Stick with it and you’ll be rewarded with an almost David Lynchian web adventure: surreal, death defying, unnerving and spatially discordant. It’s probably the best form of Flash/Video marketing I’ve seen in a while.

Moving around the square you meet up with many of the characters of Jadac who all want something from you or need to give you advice, drugs or tasks to complete within the game. Ultimately you’re trying to get out of the ZoS without getting zipped up into a body bag, of which I haven’t been able to finish without finding myself getting unzipped by a couple of Canadian peacekeepers (there’s a seriously frustrating bug in the game within the Speedo Boy/Minefield part – the game refuses to recognize any keyboard commands and you instantly wander where you’re not suppose to – boom, you’re dead). While the concept isn’t new the fusion between story and discovery/exploration is worth some attention and compliments the story well. Some areas of Jadac are not safe for work – you can choose to take on the job of porno cinematographer and film a mildly graphic sex scene (men’s bum, a tit) and some are seriously depressing (dressed down scenes of white slavery) but it does have flashes of fun. The stories shift between events and areas as you wander around interacting with characters, giving you a sense of the dark, almost Catch 22 vibe of the show.

LTiJ is a great marketing tool for the show, even if you’re not a fan. It’s worth a few minutes of your time. Pro tip: If you die, stick around for the credits – the final shot is a nice behind-the-scenes look at how they filmed it.

Best of Clist – Helpful!

General

Insert RAM jokes here

Naked computer repair / service call by hung man
I offer training sessions were I can teach you how to use certain things on your computer and online from downloading your entertainment to running social pages like MySpace and face book. I can give your computer a tune up so it runs fast again. I check your computer properly for viruses. I can also set up your new computer and transfer over some of the old information you want to keep from your previous system. Well I repair your system I do it in the nude or can dress to your taste. I am a well endowed man. This is a paid computer service call. I am not an escort. I have an average build I am mostly straight but comfortable with my body and I am willing to fix any ones computer in the nude. I travel to you and I can arrange evening appointments to fit your scedual. So why not treat yourself and get more out of your repair mail me for pics and any questions.

My own Korova Milk Bar Fixture

I Can Be Adjusted
Are you a white male that loves to watch TV and have a human footstool under your feet? If you are straight that is fine. If you do not want to have sex that is fine as well. I can be naked or wear clothes. Do you have a buddy and want to play cards together? I can lay on the ground and the both of you can put your feet on me. I will massage them and pamper them. Why rest them on the floor when you can rest them on a live carpet? If you are gay then even better. You can read a book while you ignore me under your feet or do work on your computer while I lay on the floor.
If you want you can watch porn & I will give you the best blow job ever. You do not need to suck me.

You Want a Peace Of Me?

Distractions, Toronto

At the Y, there’s a curious little community building exercise going on: the Peace Tree! Guests (but mostly children) are encourage to write what you think “peace” is on a leaf and add it to the tree!

Apart from the veiled religious diatribes (which I find quite ironic) it has all the comments you’d expect from a regular web forum: some smart utterances to head scratching, WTF? ones. Like so:

There’s the political:

There’s the gaysex (I’m assuming it’s gay because they’re dressed the same, kings or princesses, who can say)

There’s the “That’s Not How It Works” speculator:

And finally my favorite, the Non Sequitir: