Tag Archives: snacks

The Lesson: From Root To Twit

Personal Bits

It’s 1996 and I’m working in a quiet cafe just inside the doors of a fading gay favorite gym called The Bloor Valley Club. All the members had to cut through my dining area to get to the change rooms or the cardio area, giving me a great vantage point for people watching. In the spring of that year a regular to the gym started to slowly, shyly, order snacks and cappuccinos from me and in doing so, started friendly small talk.

He was a nice guy. We started to talk about books and books into movies and theatre. We talked about music and pop culture and various gossip. We would make comments at the day time TV playing over the bar and confess our secret shames in the love of soap operas. We would shout out answers to quiz shows and try to outsmart each other. He was sharply funny and subtly witty and could smile easily. You can guess where this is leading: after several weeks of chatting, when he inevitably asked me out on date, I turned him down.

Why? Because he had long hair.

He had a slight goatee, stunning blue eyes and was over 6’2″. Because he was a regular to the gym, I noted that he had tree trunk legs and I could get glimpses of chest hair through his workout clothes. But I couldn’t get past the shoulder-blade length hair! His mane wasn’t ratty or look pre-Tyra makeover or anything, it was just long. At the time I was trying to pigeon hole my tastes into a well defined scheme: skinheads and ubermacho tattooed motorcycle freaks. I was so hell bent on self conditioning I couldn’t see myself being with any other type of guy.

I let him down rather inelegantly too. I did let him know I only dated smoothed headed dudes because of a “shaving” fetish I claimed to have at the time. I don’t recall his reaction but I do remember there was an awkward silence after my shot through his heart. I remember him walking away in disappointment.

A week or so passed and I was doing waitressy things, as one does when they work in a small restaurant. The front door opened and down the hallway towards the cafe came a tall, goatee’d man with the slightest 5 o’clock shadow adorning his genetically perfect cranium. Of course, my whoremoans went into overload as time slowed down as he walked towards me like a hot chick in a Michael Bay movie. Yes, it was my “friend”. He had cut all his hair off and had gone skinhead. He. Looked. Amazing.

I know my eyes said “HELLO!” and I think I said, “Hello!” and he leaned in close and said: “This is what you’re missing.”

And never said another word to me ever again.

Another for Rick Mercer

Celebs and Media, Hobbies

I’ve totally ripped this one off SharkBoy.

An office hallway. An upper twenties, well dressed man in business casual is walking towards us when he suddenly looks into a boardroom, just to his right.

Over-the-shoulder shot of him looking into the boardroom. Donuts and danishes are tantilizingly laid out on a tray.

Hallway shot again. Two well dressed, upper twenties women join the man.

Man: (flamboyantly) I’m going in!

He takes out a small brown bottle, unscrews the lid and inhales hard from it, while plugging one nostril.

Man: Woooo!

He dances into the boardroom, arms waving.

The two women take out Special K snacks and lazily munch from the pouches. Over-the-shoulder shot from the women as they watch the man in the boardroom. He’s got his shirt off and is gyrating around the table, rubbing danishes on his nipples. The thumping of techno music can be heard coming from the room.

Announcer: Special K! It’s not just for lonely secretaries who’s only male contact is that gay guy in accounting, anymore!