October 12th, 1992. 11:00am
Skywalker Ranch, Obi Wan Boardroom, Business Development Meeting.
Assembled is a divided group of Lucas underlings. On one side sit “The Suits”, the men and women who have built the LucasArts empire up into the earth thundering juggernaught that it is today. On the other, “The Granolas”, the dwindling, long haired hangers-on from George’s film school days. Creative types that still believe they can change the world through film. At the head of the table, is George, notepad awash with scribbles and doodles. He’s distracted. The Suits have the floor…
Suit #1: We are years away from developing Episodes One through Three so we’ve called this meeting to see if we can revamp the franchise through aggressive product creation and marketing.
Granola Lady #1: (under her breath) Shiva save me…
Suit #1: That’s right. We’re going to create more Star Wars merchandise.
Groans from the Granolas. George is oblivious.
Granola Man #4: Wasn’t the underwear, bedsheets and wallpaper enough?
Suit #2: We can do better. I know if we can synergize this group, we can create a greater library of product to increase our profits.
Granola Lady #1: (not so under her breath) Vishnu and Shiva…
Suit #1: Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped us conjure up more revenue. Okay lets get started. The floor is open. Any ideas?
Granola Man #5: I tried to get my kids to help me with the gardening and got nowhere. How about Lawn fertilizer?
Suit #1: Good idea. Write that down!
Granola Lady #5: How about a Christmas special?
George: (finally looking up over his doodle pad. Quietly) You’re fired. (Granola Lady #5 leaves)
Suit #1: We can see the paradigms for this meeting a bit clearer now. Anyone else?
Granola Man #2: Kids today are listening to this “rap music“… maybe we can hook up with that?
Suit #2: I will call Warner Brothers. It’ll be in Casey Casem’s lap by noon Friday.
Suit #1: Excellent, team! More?
Granola Man #3: (giggling nearly uncontrollably) Brownies, man!
Suit #4: Can I try one of those? (Granola Man #3 passes his baggie of dark brownies)
Suit #1: I see R2’s head as a preformed brownie mold already! More?
From the back, Unidentified: Guitar picks!
Suit #1: Yes! (pause) Come on people! (longer pause)
Granola Lady #1: Soap.
Suit #1: Soap?
Granola Lady #1: Soap. Glycerine soap. You mentioned you had a couple thousand boxes of Chewbacca/R2/C3P0 figurines that were made too small to be sold as freestanding toys, right?
Suit #1: (interested) yeah…?
Granola Lady #1: We dip Chewie in a bar of soap and kids will wash themselves down with it. At least they’re using a product that won’t harm their skin and might make these sweaty fanboys wash a bit more frequently.
Suit #1: A bar of soap…? How do kids relate to that? What’s the hook?
Granola Lady #1: Glycerine soap is clear. They can see Chewie inside–
Suit #4: Can we add sparkles? To make it more…Spacey?
Granola Lady#1: Whatever.
Suit #1: Brilliant! Run with that puppy!
Later, after a couple months of vigorous sales, lawsuits would start to flow in from concerned parents as kids were cutting their skin open from dragging Chewbacca’s laser crossbow across their backside.
Yes. Yes I do rub Chewie against my butt daily.