You Know What I Love?


Buying toiletries before a trip.

I love cleaning out my travel kit and tossing the 4 year old dental floss and replacing it with some 2 year old sample I got from my dentist. I must replace that 3 year old shaggy dog toothbrush for one of my dental hygienist giveaways too. I also love getting fresh moisturizer and mouthwash in those adorable little bottles and shitcan the old ones that are so crusted around the lid, it looks like the opening to Stimpy’s Nose Goblin Cave. Oh and I saw these hilarious Wall•E band-aids that are clear and look like tattoos! Had to have them. And did you know they make cola-flavoured extra strength aspirin? Dissolves on your tongue! Tastes like cola! Purrr-chase! Then I grabbed up some sunscreen, because you know, I spent over $1000 on that tattoo and I don’t want it to fade in the 32C Florida sun. Slather! And fresh shave cream. I’m tired of using my 4 year old moisturizer and I’m opting in for the good stuff: Visage or some such metrosexual nonsense. Speaking of which I need to see if I still have those old Gillette Mach 3 handles that can fit those pharmacy no-name blades. Who the fuck wants to pay $21 for 4 cartridges? Nuh uh! Not me! And a nail file, too because the claws are getting a bit unruly and I need something to do while we fly or I’ll bite them down to the DNA. Ear plugs? Check! Ear swabs? Got ’em! With a handy travel pack too! And not the shitty dollar store blue stick kind that go through your eardrums like butter through air. Tweezers? Black Covergirl with precision tip point, thaanyewverruymuck! Corn covers? Well why not!? We’ll be walking on average 10 KM a day! Small tensor bandage, of course. The Disney grounds are immaculate but there might be some crooked flagstones, you know. And let’s not forget a good soap. Love Mickey, love free hotel soap, don’t love free Mickey near my butt.

Oh and a gun. For the bag inspectors. Just for a laugh*.

*I am within my rights to make jokes here, still. For now.

2 thoughts on “You Know What I Love?

  1. The Mutant

    Woah, that was just like reading the opening chapter of American Psycho where he lists the contest of his bathroom cabinet. Podantic much? I love my crusty old travel products, helps cement that holiday feeling!

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