Dear Bell Canada…

You Stupid Dick

Dear Bell Canada,

Thank you for your invoice for $4.22 on the final payment on my late father’s telephone bill.

I do apologize for missing your bill due date, automatically generated by your crack billing department, by 72 hours. I guess my only excuse is that I was busy cleaning out my father’s effects to be on top of your deadline. While I did manage to close out his account over the phone (and thank you for trying to keep his account open while I was talking to your rep) and I did pay the outstanding balance in full, albeit a couple days late, I hope that you can forgive me for not promptly paying this huge bill of $4.22. I just figured your 84% profit increase (somewhere over a billion dollars! Bravo!) for 2009 would distract you from this $4.22 I owed you, but apparently you need it much more than I thought.

I do hope you can put the $4.22 to good use. I hope that my contribution to your corporation, in my late father’s name, can enrich your company to new levels of customer service. With this money, may I suggest you hire someone to actually monitor what your utterly heartless billing department computers are doing when faced with estate handling? I’m assuming it was an utterly heartless computer since no human would actually ask for $4.22 from a dead man. Oh sure, I’d understand $50 or something higher, but for a billion dollar company to ask for $4.22 because a bill was 3 days late seems to me like no human with any kind of soul attached to it, would let this be sent out by mail. Twice. If I’m wrong, then I bet if Bell Canada was an actual physical human body, they’d be the guy in the back of the hall, eating from the buffet, muttering how cheap the tuna fish finger sandwiches, crusts removed, are.

With all this being said and speculated on, I will state here, that if an electromagnetic pulse were to go off over all the other Communications companies here in Canada, effectively wiping them off the business map, and for some miracle, yours was the only infrastructure left for internet/telecommunications/cable provisions, I would rather cut my own liver out with the paper edge of your god damned $4.22 bill, and serve it to a room full of starving cats than give you one more dime.

With warmest fuck yous.

Dead Robot

Update: a mystery cheque has arrived!

6 thoughts on “Dear Bell Canada…

  1. postbear

    nice shit sundae they offer. the cherry on top – you’ll be getting calls and letters for the next couple of years asking you to ‘come back home to bell’, all addressed to your dad. no request or threat will get them off your back, and their computers will conveniently lose all the updates you tediously waste your time feeding the drones. sadly, no other options are much better. fido has been utterly useless in many of the same ways that bell was, and i know you understand that rogers is possibly the worst of the bunch.

    i handled my father’s utilities before his death and other than a minor blip with cable, nothing went too wrong (excepting bell here, they fucked up everything they could). more than two years after his death (and more likely three or four years, it’s hard to remember), i still got calls for him. if you feel up to it, reward yourself with some entertainment at their expense – when you inform them that the person they’re asking about is dead, the auto-response blurted out is “i’m so sorry!”, to which you can reply “why? did you kill him?”

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention I like to yap about crap! See: Dear Bell Canada... --

  3. Sean

    Oh man…that’s horrible. 🙁

    I had dealings with Bell Canada many moons ago when I had their home phone service. A full 9 months after ending my contract with them I received a Bill for $70 for long distance they “forgot” to calculate. Brilliant.

    And god forbid had your dad overpaid them before he passed away…you’d have to be spill your entrails on their front step before they’d cut you a cheque for $4.22.

  4. CathyK

    Well said. I just had almost the exact same conversation with my bank of 25 years who turned me down for a loan on a vehicle Friday even though I have No debt, have an 847 credit score AND I put $12,000 down payment. Bastidos! I’m pulling all accounts, cds, money markets etc. I was approved instantly at two other banking institutions and am happily driving my new vehcle.

Comments are closed.