Punched Up

Celebs and Media, Personal Bits

From the Bad Dog Theatre Forums:

Punched Up, is a 13-episode mockumentary series satirizing makeover programs and reality TV. New to the Comedy Network, and premiering nation-wide this Fall, Punched Up seeks, GTA and surrounding area residents of all walks looking to perk up their lives with an infusion of laughter.

Are you…

-An actor, singer, comedian or TV host, but your delivery needs a little fine-tuning?
-A professor, lecturer, or young urban professional, but your presentation is old and tired?
-A barista or bartender needing help with over-the-counter chitchat?
-A parking attendant or meter maid looking to defuse hostile confrontations?
-A businessman whose schtick needs a tune-up in order to boost sales?
-A stripper willing to get punched up if it means better tips?
-A doctor, looking to improve your bedside manner?
-Unemployed and looking for work, but your approach leaves much to be desired?
-The last one invited out every Saturday night because you’re not the life of the party?
-Single and looking for love, because you don’t know any good pickup lines?
-Someone considering proposing to your mate, but just can’t find the right words?

If you’re ready to make a change and find the funny, tell us your story. All you have to do is fill out the application below, describing why you think you are the ideal candidate for the show and what areas in your life need ‘punching up.’ It’s as easy as that..

Here’s what I sent:

Age
40

Gender
M

1. What do you do?
Webmaster for a travel wholesaler

2. Married?
No

3. With children?
Does a Tetra fish count? No? Then no.

4. What makes you think you need Punching Up?
I have a 9 to 5 job and aspire to own a trailer in a gay campground one day.

5. Living situation? (Roommates, family, friends, pets?)
Living with significant other and one other roommate

6. Are there any events coming up in your life that could use a comedic shot
in the arm?
I haven’t had a job review in years. I would like to ask for one.

7. Punching up your life will obviously include others. Will your family
(wife, husband, roommate) participate?
Gay father, playwrite brother, boyfriend, boss would participate.

8. Briefly describe a typical day in your life.
7am to 9am – Gym. I’m battling 20lbs
9am to 9:30am – Subway to work
9:30am to 5:30pm – Manage a 3000++ page website alone while trying to teach computer illiterate people that the internet is great, but not Christ risen from the dead come to make us tons of money just by showing up (“Can we get podcasts? Wait…what *is* a podcast?” I roll eyes)
5:30pm to 6pm – Subway home. Avoid freaks
Dinner
7pm to 10pm – Freelance web and print work for an S&M bar
11pm – Sleep. Maybe.

9. What makes you think you are the perfect candidate to be Punched Up?
I’m pretty boring. I hate going out and I’m a typical chubby ex-dotcom bust geek trying to get by.

10. Will you be attending our Toronto Open Call?
Sure!

I got a call to come in on Sunday which sent me into a happy dance in the middle of the Dominion at College and Yonge (not easy to do, those isles are narrow!) and when I told Sharkboy he said:

“That’s great. But you’ll be on a train to Brockville to go get your mom’s car.”

Crap!

I’ve emailed an apology. I hope they can reschedule.

Wish me a broken leg.

We Feel…

General

We Feel Fine! (via DRAWN.ca) is the bestest time waster I have come across in a while. It farms blogs from around the world and takes stock in our feelings. It’s beautiful, curious and somewhat frightening (search on harsh words and you will dredge up some scary stuff).

Happy Birthday Sharkboy!

Personal Bits

You’ll probably kill me for this but I found some pics of you in the last year or two. Why you let me even turn on the damn camera is a mystery.

Shark, boy. On the Beach!
Shark! Boy, on the Beach!

Elfman
Elfish, Halloween 2004

Fally
If life could be summed up as a shore excursion, then being with him is like climbing Dunns River Falls.

Helmeted for saftey
Helmeted for his own good

Irony
$10 says this pic doesn’t stay up here longer than 9am, Friday May 26th.

Mullet
…but this one will stay. He likes wigs.

Xmas wig
See?

Sexy
Here’s to you, you sexy mofo! I loves you something feirce!

Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson

Hobbies, Personal Bits

half a shedActually, in our case, we’ll be called “Half Shed” (I hope some of you remember the Monty Python skit…?). Personally I’d be happy with TARDIS 0.5 or some such geeky reference.

Back in May, Sharkboy slammed his finger down on the catalogue in Canadian Tire and told the lad behind the counter to order “that one!” and lo, a few weeks later, we get “that one” but it wasn’t quite as pictured. As you can see, it looks like a photoshop chop job. Half a shed. One of the seasonals walked by as we were setting it up and yelled out “Making an outhouse?” Grrr… mumble mumble fuck off Mary mumble…

These pics are a bit late in coming due to a whizz bang week with DQ, my classes and such. I havent even done laundry in the last week. I’m down to the “I’ll never get laid in these” pair of underwear.

As you can see, the weather was less than stellar and at night there was much snuggling out of necessity, through 7 layers of clothes.

DQ – Lucky Lady!

Queer stuff, Toronto

Alrighty people, DQ – Lucky Lady opens this week and it’s your duty to go see this musical extravaganza at the Hart House theatre, U of T. It’s for an amazing cause, Casey House Hospice, and you can expect Toronto’s best drag performers (and others – including my Sharkboy in bell bottoms and butchered wig) giving 100% on that stage.

I caught a few minutes of it last Saturday as the cast was polishing up the technical cues. This year was suppose to be a “smaller” show (next year is their 20 year anniversary – expect a surprise announcement at the end of the show) and it was anything but “small”. I guess drag doesn’t “do” subtle. If you liked last year’s formula of remixed camp movie/musical productions, then you will not be dissapointed. Who can resist a drag queen bitchslap fight set to the Dynasty theme?

In Matters of Food

Personal Bits

While I wait for my Tridec appointment at the Women’s College, my doctor has recommended I get the book The G.I. Diet for a good base of diabetic recepies and tips. I was really hoping for the book to be about getting a random snog from some bellbottom wearing stranger on the street. Sadly, no. It’s a borderline Adkins-esque diet guide that just happens to be all about Sugar/Fat-free eating, which we should be doing anyway. In a nutshell, you eliminate all sugars as best you can from your diet and at major meals you reduce your usual 1/3rd meat and carbs down to 1/4 each and increase leafy veg to 1/2.

Which has made me quite musical.

Especially after the Mixed Bean salad.

Coupled with going to the gym 4 times a week (doc says 5. Pffft!), I have lost 10 lbs in the last 15 days. And that ain’t water folks. I allow myself only one diet coke every 3 days or so and drink at least 3L of water a day now. No juice. Boring. I’ve boosted my vitamin intake and suddenly I am wearing pants I gave Sharkboy last year. Ta daaa!

Yesterday I was on the streetcar behind someone with a McDonalds bag. It was probably the closest I have ever come to nearly physically yearning for something other than sex. Well that or that Big Trak I wanted back when I was 15.

And then I saw the trailer for Fast Food Nation. I haven’t read the book, mind you and coupled with the only thing I remember from Supersize Me (the non-decomposing french fries from the extras disc), I think that I shall never eat McD’s again.

I Asked Nicely, Now Hire Me

Work

Still wading through cover letters and resumes for a Jr Designer.

It certainly is an eye opening experience to see some of these “portfolios”. What are teachers at these meat grinding, fly-by-night “media” schools telling these kids? “Oh don’t bother learning HTML, Dreamweaver will fill in the tags for you. And speaking of tags, go ahead and use the font tag all you want. It won’t be delineated for years now. And while you’re at it, make sure the guy you’re trying to impress can’t see a clear picture of your work. Yeah use Flash as much as you can because that’s the future of web design.”

Two things that turn me off in a portfolio: religious references of any kind (Peace and Divinity!) and “arty” pictures of scantily clad women (some wearing the same bikini!) in the bushes at Scarborough Bluffs. You can see in the model’s eyes the dream of being Canada’s Next Top Model but they’re seconds away from an inappropriate suggestion of loosening the straps for a more “real” shot.

And just a quick note about resumes: I don’t read everything on them because I really don’t care if someone worked for Dunkin Donuts ten years ago. I’d rather see 2 year old school work projects than be informed of past horrendous crap jobs that have no relation to the job you’re applying to.

And finally: If you’re going to use a free web hosting company to park your portfolio, please don’t use that company’s free site building template. Especially if you’re applying for designer. Dork.