People. Please. Why do you want to see what she looks like? So you can recognize her if she moves into your neighbourhood?

If we’re lucky, she’ll be “Lady Di’ed” when she leaves the court house.

I think I’m more upset with Canadian media falling over themselves to mention her, mirroring US journalism sales tactics.

This will end in tears. Mark my words.

That’s fantastic! Now do HIV!

Can you hear that? It’s the grumblings of conspiracy theories brewing in the back of my head regarding the large pharmaceutical companies keeping the cure (or cheaper, less toxic treatments) for HIV/AIDS under wraps. Ebola was discovered a couple years after HIV and was considered a greater threat due to it’s ease of transmission speed of kill. Twelve years later there’s a major breakthrough. Meanwhile the “Until There’s a Cure” bracelet gets tighter around my wrist and all we can do is slow HIV. I know Ebola is not a mutagen like HIV. Indulge me: After reading this story I fantasized that HIVers banding together and fighting the drug companies by staging massive “purchase strikes”, refusing their high priced drugs and staging North American-wide die-ins while squatting in shanty towns on the well manicured lawns of Dupont, GlaxoWelcom, etc. Much like the rising of drag queens during Stonewall, these people would bravely die to advance the “research” of HIV treatment faster than the occasional “pill condensement” the pharms seem to be rolling out these days.

Then I woke up. Ffft! That will happen.

Just in from an ultrasound, kiddies! Apparently my last blood test suggested an “enlarged liver” so my Doc, ever cautious, ordered me to the lab.

Upon entering the lab at St George’s Medical Arts Building, I had to wait until the receptionist had finished with her conversation to a friend on her cell. Normally I would have been upset with a wait like this but her conversation (which she meant for me to hear) was one of desperation. She was trying to find a home for a border collie that had been abused by her neighbours. She asked me instantly if I wanted him. I don’t and she tells me of the struggle this dog has had. She seems like a caring sort, confirmed when she confesses to having 4 cats and one dog already.

I was ushered into the changing cubicles where surprise sooprize, I had the same technician doing my scan as the last time I was there a few years back for a lump. In my boob. (Her words. Slowly. Hushed. Conspiratory: “Is the lump. In you boob…gone?”) So instantly she was friendly and chatty, taking a moment to laugh at the big BUTCH pin on my knapsack. “Nothing but underwear, socks and shoes. Put this robe on backwards and this one on forwards. I don’t want you wandering the hall bare butt.” I remember how much I liked her the first time.

Into the scanning suite. Up goes the gown and a sheet of paper towel is tucked into and draped over my underwear. I lie down and she grabs the KY in squeezy bottle.

“Do you have BBQ flavour?” I ask as she covers my hairy chest and belly with the thankfully warm lube.

“HA! There’s a first,” she comments.

She can’t stop asking about my lump she looked at two years ago. She meekly raises her ultrasound wand and ask “Can I look at your… boob… with my… wand?” I let her. All clear. She’s happy.

She slips her wand over my right side. I start to laugh. She starts to laugh. “Sorry. It always kills me when big biker dudes like yourself giggle when I touch them. Can you take out your belly ring?”

In walks the Dog Savior receptionist with the Wand Waving Tech’s next appointment file, resulting in joking banter about hiding my underwear with the paper towel. “What’s he got under there?” The Dog Savior asks, pointing at my Bounty covered BVDs. These two have sussed me out in seconds.

“A cat,” I say. First thing into my head since she’s a dog lover.

“I think we’re the ones with cats,” says the Wand Waver.

Hilarity ensues.

The Wand Waver digs her sensor into my abdomen and makes clucking sounds. “Can’t you find it?” I ask.

I get a playful dirty look. “Oh, I’ll find it,” she says.

After a time she tells me that I have a “horseshoe kidney”, a conjoined kidney, which is rare but not surprising. She’s snapping pictures of my innards all this time and we move on to the liver, the star of the show. I ask for a nice 8×10 colour or at least wallet sized photos.

“Now see, you were original before with the BBQ,” she says.

I beat my puffed out chest and show you my stats from last month! Unga!

Total Hits 	1086582
Total Files 	178201
Total Pages 	96134
Total Visits 	18319
Total KBytes 	3341512

Ignore the “Hits” because there are still residual numbers from the Bagle_av virus associated with my site. Not bad, I think, for a blog that has no real direction or comment on political views.

I think you like me. Really like me.
I PAT ME ON THE BACK, MOFOS!

So what do you want to talk about now?

I’m standing on the subway escalator going up when I’m passed by a 16 yr old school girl: 5’4″, 120, shoulder-blade length blonde hair, white dress shirt playfully not tucked into her ultra-mini plaid skirt.

Ultra mini being an understatement.

When she gets 5 steps ahead of me on the escalator, *woofp* a wind comes along and flips up her skirt.

I see thong. Buried deep within very visible girl parts and ass cheeks.

Not once, but three times her skirt flipped up. Yes. It is a red-pink thong. Yes. She shaves.

I look back to see if anyone else on the escalator can see this. A woman about ten steps behind is not paying attention.

I know now that I am truly gay because it did nothing for me other than make me laugh.

I suspected something was going to happen when I saw Sharkboy swerve his bike, small and sharp, at the bottom of my steep driveway. Thankfully he didn’t try to cut to the right or left and just let himself follow through into the slide. His mistake was hitting the front brake in the sandy gravel of the construction site across from the driveway.

He was going at a fast clip when his bike slid out from under him and veered left while his body mass continued, uninterrupted, straight on towards the big pile of sand. Heavily, his body landed on his keys and money in his pocket, making an indentation on his right leg. At this point he was fully free from his bike, chest down on the dirt and pavement, like some errant mother thinking she could regain her youth by bellyflopping down a Slip N Slide. He starts barking out short Ow’s even before he fully stops.

“Are you ok?” I ask as I dismount my bike. Why am I such a stupid dummyhead? The blood is mixing with the dust on his arm and he hasn’t stopped saying Ow. OF COURSE HE’S NOT.

There’s a certain degree of frustrated despair when you watch someone you love have an accident and you are powerless to react. Its like being reminded that the one you love is not eternal, mortal, human. Once I watched my Da slip at McDonalds and land right on his ass.

Sharkboy was more embarassed than anything else. So I held off on the “Neeeyaaahahahahah!!!” until later while we were cleaning his wounds.

…at the Fashion Cares Press Conference with Jann Arden and Pamela Anderson:

Jann Arden: “I’m really not known for anything except, of course, my sex tape that came out a couple of …”

Pamela Anderson: “–Yeah, everyone’s got one.”

Jann: “Yeah, but mine … I was just alone,”

Later, when asked if she’s seen a Bollywood movie, Ms Anderson said: “…when I got here I was like … you spelled Hollywood wrong. What’s Bollywood?”

I love her!

Uploaded a couple new “City As Blog” pics. Hope you enjoy.

Mr Daryl Vocat, a regular reader of my iPod rants sends me this email of self-abuse and self-promotion. Seems like he’s one busy artfag! Go see!

Here’s a bit of a reminder of some upcoming art shows. I’m sure many of
you are involved in some way, so come on and hang out!

==========

Queer in the Headlights, Curated by Karen Chapelle
Runs June 7-July 7, Part of the Toronto Pride Art Walk
Reception: Friday, June 17, 7PM
9:30PM Trash & Ready, Hunter Valentine and Will Munro DJ

NOW Lounge
189 Church St.
416-364-1301

Monday-Friday- 9am-6pm
June 18/19 and June25/26 – 1-6pm
Call or visit www.nowlounge.com for more details.
Opening June 17th- 7-9pm followed by entertainment 9pm till close.

This show spotlights some of Toronto’s hottest new and established artists, providing a snapshot of the range of difference that makes Toronto’s queer community so rich and unique. Working in various mediums – from needlepoint to erotic photographs – the exhibit puts an edgy spin on queer aesthetics.

Artists include: Daryl Vocat, Lynne Fernie, Wendy Coburn, David Hawe, Andy Fabo, Andrew Harwood, Dianne Davis, Tracey Day, Fernanda Faria, Melissa Levin, Cecilia Berkovic, Ian Fraser, James Blake, GB Jones, David Findlay, Carol Camper, Will Munro

==========

Making History

125 King St. East, (King and Church)
June 16-June 30

Reception: Thurs, June 16 7-10PM

Artists include: Barbara Balfour, Luis Jacob, Andrew Harwood, Alec Butler, Will Munro, Scott Treleaven, Paige Gratland, Joel Gibb, Dana Baitz, Melissa Levin, Nancy Nicol, John Greyson, RM Vaughan, Roy Mitchell and Eugenio Salas, Johannes Zits, Ed Pien, Daryl Vocat, Allyson Mitchell,
Lise Beaudry, Andy Fabo, and Deanna Bowen

==========

Imaging A Lovers Discourse

-UPPITY QUEERS READING SERIES
Thursday June 16th 8-10pm
Suggested Donation $5

The following authors will be reading:
Sky Gilbert, Zoe Whittall, RM Vaughan, Drew Rowsome, Mariko Tamaki, Troy Yorke, Alex Rowlson

-SILENT AUCTION
Thursday, June 23 9-12pm

Artists have been asked to create works based on the book A Lover’s Discourse by Roland Barthes. All works will be sold through a silent auction with all proceeds going to Glad Day. The donated work will be on exhibition from June 9th to June 23rd. The auction will be a cash and
carry event on the 23rd. During the auction live music will be provided by DJ TK and Barbrafisch

Some of the participating artists include: Florencia Berinstein, Rob Davidovitz, Patrick de Coste, Paige Gratland, David Grenier, Lauren Hall, Luis Jacob, Stephanie Rogerson, Sholem, Lex Vaughn, Daryl Vocat, and Andrea Winkler

Toronto Free Gallery
660 Queen Street East
Toronto, On M4E 2J8
Tel. 416-913-0461
Fax 416-915-7055
www.torontofreegallery.org

==========

And don’t forget, the following show is still up! If you haven’t seen it yet, the trek is worth it. There is a tonne of stuff to do at Harbourfront and the work in the show is great.

Modern Day Myths
Opening Reception: Thursday, May 19. 7-9 PM
May 20 – July 1

A group exhibition by members of Open Studio –Open Studio artist members exhibit prints exploring myths that speak both to primitive tradition and the modern day. Toronto participating artists: Tara Cooper, Elizabeth Forrest, Doug Guildford, Libby Hague,Lisa Levitt, Liliana Rodriguez, Lotti Thomas, and Daryl Vocat. Presented in collaboration with Open
Studio.

York Quay Centre, Harbourfront Centre
235 Queens Quay West
Toronto, ON.

I absolutely hate forgeting something at home. These days I’m going to the gym, stopping at Sharkboy’s and dropping off freelance work so the chances are pretty good that I will forget something really important back at home.

This morning I walked right up to the Subway gates and realized that I had paid the streetcar driver what should have been $2.50 but instead I had thrown into his box a twoonie and two subway tokens. No biggie. I’ll just go ’round the corner to the bank and get some money…

Wallet. Not. In. Pocket.

In my minds eye, I can see my wallet hopping up and down on my night table saying “Hey! Wait for me!”

Penniless, I had to hoof it over to Sharkboy’s office and sweat profusely in front of his co-workers as he gave me a twenty.