Back from Calgary! What was the land of “scared white, right winged rednecks” like? The first thing I encoundered was a guy grunting in the washroom stall next to me after I got off the plane.

I met a Hutterite. Think Mennonite but with relaxed attitudes. He was fucking hot…he had a unkept chinstrap of hair and a great weird accent and sold me some tomatoes. His ill-fitting suit (probably cut from the same template from generations passed down) just made him all the more attractive. I could tell he had great legs through his pants. He had big calloused hands that I wanted on my backside. Grrr

I saw a moose on Saturday. It wasnt as big as I expected and I guess TV has desensitized me to their actual greatness (I think it was an adolescent moose, its antlers wernt very big). We skidded to a stop and sat there in stunned silence for a nanosecond…then “Where the fuck is the camera?!” and “Moooose!!!” It trundled back into the woods right after that. I feel great about that.

What kind of day did I have today? Let me sum it up with a song from Spongebob Squarepants:

The F.U.N. Song
(Speaking Part)
Spongebob: It’s not about winning, it’s about fun!
Plankton: What’s that?
Spongebob: Fun is when you…fun is…it’ like…it’s kinda…sorta like a… What is fun?? HERE…Let me spell it for you!

Spongebob:
F is for Friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me.
N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.

Sea Creatures:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
F is for Fire that burns down the whole town.
U is for URANIUM…BOMBS!
N is for No survivors when you’re-

Spongebob:
Plankton! Those things aren’t what fun is all about!
Now, do it like this,
F is for Friends who do stuff to-

Plankton:
Never! That’s completely idiotic!

Spongebob:
Here, Let me help you…
F is for friends who do stuff together.
U is for You and me, TRY IT!

Plankton:
N is for Anywhere and anytime at all.

Sea Creatures:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
Wait…I don’t understand …I feel all tingly inside…
Should we stop?

Spongebob:
No! That’s how you’re supposed to feel!

Plankton:
Well I like it! Lets do it again!

Spongebob: Okay!

Spongebob & Plankton:
F is for Frolic through all the flowers.
U is for Ukelele.
N is for Nose picking, chewing gum, and sand licking.
Here with my best buddy.

(Laughing part)

Sea Creatures: Down in the deep blue sea.

I got some news yesterday on a thing that I cant talk about yet Im bursting to blab. I want it so bad its palitable. It would raise my spirits and make me settled and quite possibly let me sleep more than 7 hrs a night. Oh and challenge me personally and emotionally. I will reveal more later.

So Im stumbling around in the dark before bed and I fully completely stepped in cat hoark. It was still warm. It looked like grey ground beef that had been boiled and rolled across the kitchen floor. You can well imagine I was gagging.

Email from Mike: (I’m posting it here, succesfully stealing content from his blog)

•  Current CD: I – Supreme Beings of Leisure
•  Current book beside toilet: Best American Short Stories 2000
•  Current Game in PS2: Vice City
•  Current favorite cat: I love them both DUH!!!!
•  Current Gameboy Game: Ben Tover and the Ass Bandits
•  Current Fave food: cheese & mayo sammiches
•  Current time I find myself cursing myself for not going to bed sooner: 1A.M. PACIFIC STANDARD TIME
•  Current gauge: 38w
•  Current voltage: very high indeed

Urban Myth or just a rumour? Customer at the bar told me how a really drunk friend of his called him at 3am a while back to tell him that he found false teeth on the floor of the Eagle (the bar I work at). Im oddly thrilled.

I was on the subway the other day and I caught a glimpse of myself in the window and I thought “Holy Christ, I dress like a 12 yr old boy!” I was wearing a pair of CAT hightops, white socks peeking out up over top, a pair of black Tough Duck work pants, and a white t-shirt with a sketch of a robot in black and white. I thought about this for a moment and wondered what I would look like if I was watched by a hidden camera like on “What Not To Wear” and have it played back for me. Then I began to wonder just what kind of collective damage a show like that does. Making all of us—humanity, exceedingly self concious about what we as a people look like. I took that thought to the extreme of people dressing exactly alike and not doing anything out of the status quo. Then I thought…I dont really care what people think of the way I dress…I generally think today’s fashions look like some poor Nike-slave sewed up some jeans, sat in bleach and rolled around in mud for the benefit of Missy and Madonna. If you want worn jeans, why not go to Goodwill? Am I getting old and bitter? Anyway. Im not about to go out and buy new clothes. I like my robot t-shirts.

My cat nearly escaped my back yard gulag, or Pussylag 17 as Mike calls it. She discovered how to climb a bush. Of course the fat sister, Lady Penelope could only meow in encouragement: “Meow! Go! Go get help!!” God I love my girls.

The Olsen Twins will be able to do porn legally soon… I cant wait till those whores are on Playboy.

Speaking of whores, I miss Mike… I keep on finding his pic on alt.bears.binaries.whack.off.pics.bears.did.I.mention.bears?moderated. Yeah I cruise newsgroups. Thats so ’94. I digress…Mike did these pics a few years back for a photographer’s site…someone raided it I guess or he released them himself. Who can say? Again…Im rambling. The point is I feel weird finding these pics when Im cruising for porn. Its an ego boost (I slept with that!) and a Jealous Italian curse at the same time. When we were together, i was always jealous of him. He had the personality and the charm and he would attract the guys around him like flies around a dirty Le Chateau bolero jacket covered in marinated steak blood. You get the picture…He was the happy open one in our relationship. I miss his laughter. I could make him laugh easy…which I loved about him. I could pick my nose and he would laugh. I think our relationship was based on humour: we met by me posting an idiot pic on my chat profile…wait…I’ll get it…Here it is…me in a dress goofing like an idiot in front of a Hello Kitty doll. I was the only pic like that in gay.com’s bear room. He messaged me instantly. I wont go into the details of our break up and weird reconnection but we’re in this greyzone relationship thing where I may or may not be moving out to Vancouver next year. We’re meeting up in Calgary next month. I cant wait. Like I said, he made me happy when he was laughing.

I spent the most part of my day trying to get rid of that blasted msblast.exe virus off the work computer. Oddly enough it was Norton Antivirus that wouldn’t let me delete the file off the computer. Weird. It makes me wonder what kind of stupid fat fuck thinks its cool to make a destructive program and release it into the world. Man’s fate to destroy itself, I guess.

I had a good chat with the owner of North Bound Leather. I was impressed with his attitude and manner. No wonder he has one of the best leather stores in North America. We mostly gossiped about the leather community and how it needs to be more cohesive now that big circuit parties are on the down slide. I so want to work in his office…at the end of the meeting, his secretary came in and said “they” needed the 2001 receipts. She looks at me and makes a face: “We’re being audited.” “Oh,” I said. “Yeah,” she says, “Later we’ll all be like this.” and bends over to show me her ass. Classy leather shop!

Tomorrow I will talk about the secret love I have for a homeless guy…

11:42PM

I forgot…I wanted to add my favorite sexual innuendo lines from Star Wars:

“You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!”-  Princess Lea
“You’re all clear kid, now let’s blow this thing and go home!”-  Han Solo
“Look at the size of that thing!”-  Wedge

So at work today, three guys came onto me. Which made me wonder where the hell these guys were a few years back when I weighed 180. Now at 210, I seem to be a beefy guy magnet. Not that Im buff or anything but guys do seem to appreciate a gut. Im generalizing but hey, its my blog. So these three guys were not bad but two were coupled in an open relationship. It was clear that one was more into me than the other and I hate that. They didnt come right out and offer a threesome but it was on the table, as it were, and I would have cringed back like Anna Nicole Smith at a vegan food fair if they had offered. I hate threesomes. Threesomes are twosomes with one guy dissapointed. Its a rare thing for both partners to be into the same guy. I digress. So Im fat, Im being hit on by lonely coupled bears and I dont have any epiphany to relate. It was, however a great ego boots. Now I’m asking myself if I should go enter the Toolbox’s Mr Box Bear contest. Imagine the political hell if I did…