Category Archives: Toronto

This wacky city I live in.

Dear Sears Customer Service Department

Toronto, You Stupid Dick

Last night my family went to your Eaton Centre store to do some holiday shopping. Kudos on getting your store so Christmas ready so soon after Halloween!

My Sister In Law (let’s call her SiL) found a few interesting holiday decorations in your Christmas department on the main level of your store and took her purchases to the counter. And waited. We noted a CSR restocking some shelves near by and asked if she could ring in our purchases.

Funny thing that phrase “ring in”. It comes from when JC Penny put bells in their cash register drawers to alert management when money was coming in.

Back to my story: her response was: “I don’t know where she is. If you want to buy that you have to go allllll the way down that way.” She says with a sweeping arm movement indicating some remote part of Tibet.

She turns back to stocking Holiday ornaments. No bells here, JC! Have a happy season!

We debate the purchase. We decide since we’re here and not in a big rush to look for another sales kiosk. We find one a few isles over in the opposite direction. Thankfully we didn’t take that Sherpa’s direction.

Getting to an available cash was no problem at all. All 4 registers were manned and humming along, ignorant to the worst recession Canada has ever experienced in our lifetime. By the way, you’re welcome for our continued custom. When we get to the desk, SiL places her glass ornaments down on the counter and asks for a box.

Really they were lovely decorations: one was a glass tree, the other a glass gift box – both hand painted and gilded with holiday cheer.

The clerk picks up the gift box decoration, looks at it and without any sense of humour says “This is already in a box.”

We blink. We’re too stunned to say anything. She. Is. Serious. Without waiting for our response she rings the items in and wraps them up in crepe paper. Kudos to her for also wrapping up the plastic box of chocolates we had picked up, in crepe paper.

SiL and I are still looking at each other in amazement. Did she really think a 2″ square glass tree decoration was a gift box? SiL asks again for a box.

“Oh no we don’t have boxes for those.”

“It’s a gift…”

She sighs and pulls out a shirt box. Like wrapping a pair of ear rings in a shipping container. We decline.

She presents SiL with theĀ  charge card slip for signature and as SiL is placing her credit card back in her purse, the clerk asks “Do you want a bag?”

Dang, I forgot. SiL’s head nearly flies off. She’s from Vermont, you see, where they don’t have crazy laws like every purchase requires we pay 0.05$ for plastic bags down there. I explain this to her.

“Why didn’t you ask if I wanted one before we finished the transaction?” Neither one of us had change.

The clerk offers no explanation and places our items to the side. She readies her station for the next purchase.

To diffuse the situation I had a bag from an earlier purchase and placed the carefully wrapped items in my bag.

“Next in line please!” Apparently we’re done and need to step aside.

I realize, Sears, that the luck of the draw might have made SiL and I encounter a couple of seasonal workers not graduated from your excellent customer service training system, but our one purchase with you has turned me off your store for a while.

Eat a microwaved bowl of dicks, Sears.

Halloween Fruition

Distractions, Hobbies, Personal Bits, Toronto
Raaar!

Raaar!

After all the work I put into that costume I have to say last night was worth the effort. I was mauled for pictures and had a great time posing with all the Japanese tourists (I’m generalizing – there were some Eastern Europeans too) . Well, except for the one drunk guy who grabbed my snout and hauled my face down. Thank god for SharkBoy who stopped me from ripping his head off. Let’s just say he’s going to be spitting fake fur out of his mouth and eyes for a few days. Other than that, the night was fun. The stilts held up and worked like a dream, except I should have rested more often. 3 hours seems to be the max and I was on them for just over 4. Yeah … blisters and aches this morning.

I’m really glad to see that costuming on Church Street is becoming more “serious” and thoughtful, like the Queen and the Palace Guard (with England’s national anthem coming out of his big furry hat), or the giant H1N1 virus, or the Chandelier Guy. I’m almost thinking I want to take next year off to just take pictures…

Heh… mmmmaybe not. The attention was addictive.

Here’s where I point out that SharkBoy’s costume was simplistic perfection: he got a lot of recognition but not as much photography mauling as I did. I think he did a fantastic job on his Where the Wild Things Are kid, Max. Here is is full picture set, but I’ve copied some for my blog below (clicko to embiggo). Enjoy!

Full Suit

Full Suit

I Have My Father's Eyes

I Have My Father's Eyes

Tyra Called. I Win!

Tyra Called. I Win!

"Hi! Are you paying too much in Car Insurance?!"
I love this guy! The one on the right.

I love this guy! The one on the right.

Last Minute Attempts At Awesome

Distractions, Personal Bits, Toronto

Fry: It’s just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a racecar. Is any of this getting through to you?

Yo!I can’t believe how many of you are hitting this blog via frantic searches for “Werewolf costume” and expect to pull something out of your asses within the next 24 hours. Shame on you! I started mine back in June. You can’t rush perfection!

Of course I’m kidding. I value the people who try. Seriously.

The last few times we’ve done Halloween on Church Street we’ve always managed to amuse ourselves at the people dressed in the What The Fuck Costumes. That is, the drunk Ryerson student who throws on a boa or dollar store rubber mask and think they’re “ready to go”. Or witness the people who go to a costume shop and grumble at the variety of sexy nurse costumes the day before Halloween, and wind up being a ghost in a sheet.

Regardless, I’m looking forward to ‘Ween this year. Even if I do fall and break my leg and get H1N1.

Monday

Toronto, Travel

At 7am, the line up for passports starts, even though the front doors don’t open until 8am. SharkBoy and I are there, first in line with our applications filled, t’s crossed, i’s dotted. We’re planning ahead to the inevitable winter vacation.

Other people start arriving and stand like zombies at the door. The same door with the sign on it in 72pt font: NOT OPEN UNTIL 8AM. When confronted with an unexpected set of obstacles people tend to just shut down, I guess. The locked door and sign is enough for people to blow a circuit and just stop where they discovered their inability to continue on with no regard to the other people who’ve been waiting. As the crowd grows, no one is even considering creating a line which baffles SharkBoy and I. Do you really think rushing the door at 8am is a solution?

“Lets all start a line behind us,” SharkBoy commands to the 10-15 people aimlessly milling around the front door. To my surprise, they all comply without complaint. Thing I Learned Today: using an authoritative voice, people will WANT to be herded like sheep.

As we wait I notice two things about the government building we’re waiting out front of. One: The 70’s awning/marquee has no roof – just a big brushed metal loop that frames the doors, hanging out over the sidewalk, offering no protection from the elements – just the illusion of such. Typical government office.

And Two: the key-card door is not closing, offering no security protection to the vital documents inside the building. Yet the employees still wave their pass cards and yank on the unlocked, un-secure door. Except for one aspiring bureaucrat who walked up to the door, pushed it closed, THEN got her key pass card out and then opened the door. But didn’t bother to check to see if the door closed behind her.

SharkBoy and I instantly look at each other. What the fuck was that?

I imagined we’d get her when we entered the Hall of Passports: in my head I could see a massive empty airplane hanger sized room. Like some Ridley Scott film, pigeons fly randomly around, water drips lyrically down from the high ceiling above…Bladerunner fog makes shafts of sunlight stream through the large room falling on me and one desk. And a yellow line… Our bureaucrat, in high 80s hair and huge 80s glasses squares her shoulder pads and calls out to me: “I can’t serve you until you are fully standing behind the yellow line! BEHIND! I SAID BEHI–good, next please!”

Thankfully after a few moments a frail security guard (why do they always look like you could knock them over with a feather?) came out and sorted us all out into a proper Government of Canada queue. Whew!

On the upside, our passports were renewed within minutes by the most friendliest government worker I have ever encountered. She noticed that I was wearing the same shirt in my old passport as well as my new ID pictures. Bless her!

As an aside, on the way home, I got to do the scramble at Yonge and Dundas as well as encounter an Aboriginal shaman in Allan Gardens doing a morning sun welcoming ritual. I do love Toronto…

Nuit Blanche

Toronto

VastRight off the bat, I love the concept of Nuit Blance. Love love love. Public art and an all nighter seems to me like a fun combination, especially right at the crest of Autumn when we need that little oomph past summer into the cold.

But last night made me want to stay home and doodle.

First, I’m not one for drunk crowds. I can handle massive amounts of people ok, I can handle drunks, but I’m not cool with having to shoulder my way through the combination of both. The last two Blanches seemed overrun with drunk 905ers and Ryerson students. I saw just as many people walking and drinking as I did for Pride. Am I getting old and grumpy because I can’t handle a city wide party? Probably.

Secondly, the crowds made it impossible to experience anything, and I was sure as shooting I wasn’t going to wait until 3am when the viewing time eased off. The one exhibit I wanted to see (the cage match Lucha wrestlers at the Bus Station) had a throng of people so deep to get in, it surrounded the building 40 feet deep. Sorry Sgt Dickson, I only got to see you in Twitter feeds!

Giant SpidersThirdly, the good stuff was on the other side of the city. All the interesting, engaging pieces were at Liberty Village, apparently. I know the organizers can’t judge what area gets the “cooler” exhibits, but they could condense them a bit more into one area? Yeah I know, then it loses the “city-wide” feel. Well if I can’t get out to see art, then the artist’s actions are pointless, n’est-ce pas?

Weirdly enough, our greatest ridicule from last year became our favorite area: Cabbagetown had some interesting pieces that weren’t overrun with drunks or gawkers. Glowing spiders, plant shrines, nests you can sit in, bike art and Photojunkie’s Horror Movie Storyboard, which SharkBoy and I got a panel each in! Cheers, Rannie!

I think next year we’re going to pass on the big stuff (city hall, extremely popular exhibits, etc), if we go out at all.

Virgin No More, or, I Believe I Can Fly

Toronto, You Stupid Dick

Tonight, I had my first bike accident in the city of Toronto.

I’m OK thanks, just major road rash and a bruised rib.

Right near the Yonge and Summerhill Liquor Store. Shots please!

Right near the Yonge and Summerhill Liquor Store. Shots please!

I was biking through the only “real” place where the presence of a bike is a gray area: a path through a city park. Not quite a sidewalk, certainly not a bike path. Right by the entrance to the park, two 8yr old girls decided to dart out in front of me, thankfully at a distance that allowed me to stop.

But unfortunately that distance included a slight downward grade. The following 4 things happened within a matter of seconds: I was

  1. braking
  2. reaching for my bell to warn the kids
  3. trying to shout something
  4. fighting the left turn of the handlebars as the wheel fought the downgrade

I found myself going over the handlebars.

Then time slowed down, as it does, when you have an accident. Like the last violent punch in Batman Arkham Asylum, I could see myself start the 215lb launch over my K2 hybrid bike. Curiously enough, I could imagine the look on my face as I went down: one of utter dissapointment. Suddenly I was worried I was going to hit one of the kids. Nope. They’re a good distance, but their eyes look like dinner plates. Then I felt really relieved that I was falling on a sidewalk and not the road.

Then the cement hit me.

The back end of the bike came up over me but didn’t crest my body. I instinctively (or so I will brag for the rest of my life) tucked into a perfect Aikido roll and minimized the damage done to my person: a scraped right pinky knuckle and a gash on my elbow. As the bike and I stopped our downward fall, forward roll, I immediately put my right slip-on dress shoe back on.

Yeah, instead of anger, pain or concern, I was worried about my shoe.

Standing and surveying the damage done to my bike, a woman jogger asked, “Are you ok?”

“Yes thanks,” I say. I think I’m in shock. I’m starting to pick up the little tiny plastic bits from my gear changer display from my handle bar. I think, “Why the hell am I picking this stuff up?”

“I think you’re in shock,” she says, “Do you have a cell phone? I can call an ambulance.”

Holy shit is there a bone sticking out somewhere?

Nope.

“I’m… I’m OK. I’m more embarrassed.”

“I understand,” she says taking the hint to minimize the moment. As she puts on her headphones: “I ran face first into a wall once.”

As I turn and test the gears (thankfully only cosmetic damage to the bike), I hear what I assume is a Filipino minder yelling at the girls. I assume this because I was riding through one of Toronto’s most expensive neighbourhoods, Rosedale, and no parent in their right mind up there would take their kids to a park right after rush hour.

Without a word, I get back onto my bike and ride off.

I assure you, I have gone through the gambit of emotions, including bitching out the little girls in an internal shouting tirade that results in a steady stream of tears and emotional scars for life.

Not really.

Now, my chest hurts. I think I’ve bruised an ovary. I’ll most likely take pictures of my damage tomorrow for greater visual impact.

hahahah… impact! I kill me!

Kupcakery

Distractions, Toronto

You may recall I was a bit harsh on Cabbagetown the other day. All in jest, really. Sort of. Maybe.

Oreo Cookie Monster

Oreo Cookie Monster

Saturday was the big 1000 block garage sale (exaggeration) that has bargain hunters flocking to Cabbagetown to find exotic and useful tchotkes. While watching people purchase other people’s stuff I fantasize that there are only 6 things in the entire world and that these 6 things rotate between all of us at one point in our lives. A nail clipper I had for 5 years and sold in a garage sale last year has had 27,000 owners by now. You get my drift… there’s a lot of crap moving out there. Except for (hopefully) the family who thought it possible to sell half used cleaning products and those free shampoos you get at hotels.

I digress. I didn’t want to be bitter about my neighbourhood again. I wanted to post something that changed my soul and turned my Scrouge-ian attitude towards C-town. And Kelly did just that.

Cupcakes.

Or should I say “Kelly’s Kupcakes” made me love the Cabbagetown festival again. Her sidewalk miracles lifted my spirits and made me enjoy the day

Kupcake Kebabs

Kupcake Kebabs

Then again, it could have been a massive sugar high. You gotta love a proprietor who sells just the frosting as a side dish. Bless her insulin-resistant heart!

Either way, I suggest to you that you follow her blog and find out where she’ll be serving these vegan (!) morsels from the gods again, or contact her outright and get yourself some. Or give some as a gift. The recipient will be forever thankful.

We were walking along the back streets of Cabbagetown when I spied her display – colourful Kupcakes Kebabs called to me. Her charm caught my attention and the bright colours of the frosting drew me in. SharkBoy had a Berry Jammies (Strawberry) and was utterly shocked to find real strawberries in the middle. I chose the Oreo Cookie Monster and was also surprised to find a solid whole Oreo at the bottom of the cupcake. No earth shattering shocker, really but utterly fun none the less.

Seriously, if she isn’t making wheelbarrows full of cash from these muffins Kupcakes soon, then mankind sucks.

Yes. They’re THAT Good.

Visit Exciting Cabbagetown!

The Bad, Toronto, You Stupid Dick

Here is my copy for the local BIA’s upcoming flyer, to drum up interest in the Cabbagetown area. A place in which I live.

rotted-cabbageCabbagetown – Discover It!

Shop Cabbagetown! With over 200+ stores in our village you’ll be sure to find all your Chinese knock off needs! Visit the stores you have to push past cheap crap merchandise to actually get into the store to shop at! It’s quaint! It’s like the shop owners are saying “this is the shit we wish you’d steal!” After the boutiques, why not visit the Frills de Non Food Emporium where the ever beautiful check out staff will berate you for losing your wallet, or ignore your very presence by holding lane crossing conversations over your very head! Duck and cover!

Meet the Locals! Stop in at the hub of activity known as “The Laundromat!” where the sign outside proclaims they expertly handle Jambo sized loads! Feel free to eavesdrop on the colourful twosome from one of the many halfway homes, as they discuss how difficult it is to find “good cigarette butts” these days because everyone is cleaning up after themselves! Laugh at the antics of the Scooter Family as mother, daughter and other daughter try to negotiate the tiny corridor of washers in their three electrified scooters… at the same time! Swear words and hilarity ensue!

Street Performances Nightly! Got your dancing shoes on? Great! Because the night is the best time to evade punches at the streetcar stop as you defend yourself from fat bastards who insist on slurring your sexual orientation (regardless of what it is). Watch as they boozily toss punches like Mardi Gras beads! You’ll get caught up in the fun and become the show as people stop and stare at your street adventure! I hope you like to Tango, because this is going to go on every time the EI cheques come in! If dancing isn’t your forte, why not just people-watch from a safe distance (The Annex?) at the fine establishment that serves up the city’s cheapest draft beer and some chemical enhancements, if you know the right person to ask! Sing along with the decades old songs that get croaked like a liquored up frog, well past the 11pm noise bylaw – Wee! We don’t care if you live near by! You should be partying too!

Cabbagetown Festival Got something to sell fresh of a missing skid from your brother’s uncle in law’s shipping company? Hungry for roasted corn? And more roasted corn? Did we mention roasted corn? You can get it all and more at this yearly community event! Hundreds of homes open up their front lawns to the area’s largest garage sale! Get a scoop on what your neighbour thinks is re-sellable – like an open box of Q-Tips! Or Atari 2600 cartridges of Frogger! (Not open to people who live above stores in the BIA area)

What are you waiting for? Cabbagetown is waiting for you!