Warning Letter

Distractions

To: dr@deadrobot.com

From: thawscoming@renu-u.com

Date: 2015.03.02
Subject: Late Payment – Opening Enables Tracking
—————————————————
Dear Mr Robot,

It has come to our attention that your last two payments for your Nicey Icey Superior Storage Fees has been returned to us NSD. We here at ReNu-U want to ensure your future longevity by continuing to provide superior cryogenic protection of your stem cells. Of course, without consistent payment coming from your PLC we are put in a difficult position.

As you know the Longevity Act 902c states that we are to give you 6 months notice before termination of our services. At that time we are in full rights to sell your stem cells to markets overseas or to inferior third party medical research centres. We would not want you, as a valued client, to experience DNA harvesting and be unable to continue your lineage as nature meant it to be. Please be advised that we are in full rights to inform you that your payments are 2 months in arrears. We have also leagally placed a section of your markers up on eDNA.com to initiate sale of your cells, if you are unable to provide us with full payment.

If you have helioed your payment already, please delete this message (be assured that in deletion, we are in full rights to monitor your deletion).

Thank you and Long Life!

Fatima Johanneson
Accounts and Retention
ReNu-U
Prefecture RickMercer #7
Toronto Prime, District of Ontario

And the Winner Is…

Personal Bits, Queer stuff, Toronto

Pride 2007’s Grand Marshal is Michele DuBarry!

Her numbers were just too great with the backing of two social groups. Had I more time and better organization, however, I think I could have chipped away at her backing and made her nomination a bit less solid. I believe that she deserves the honour (but not as much as Da, of course) and I wish her the best as Grand Marshal for Pride 2007. Keep that makeup away from the waterguns!

I did get some encouraging words from the board, post-vote and thank them for the opportunity to yammer about my Dad.

Sorry Da! Looks like I’m going to have to get you a real present anyway.

We now continue with our regularly scheduled brainless web fun!

Office Spaced

Work

Vogon, or co worker?Just as I had made up my mind to fire up Dreamweaver, make a spiffy portfolio site and spurt email feelers into the job market, my boss drops a raise and a new job title on me. Interesting times here at the office. It’s nothing new or shocking, just getting a job description a year and 4 months after the fact. I almost feel like I have a future here now.

But…

Just now, one of the wholesale managers walked by my cube and looked EXACTLY like a Vogon bureaucrat. Sloped shoulders molding into his head, chin fused with his chest. Slow gait. Creepy. And I wonder… Is that me in a few years here?

My Speech to Nominate My Dad for Pride Grand Marshal

Personal Bits, Queer stuff, Toronto

At the Pride Grand Marshal vote tonight, the 519 was a cross section of our community. LGBTTIQ2S ($5 to anyone who names all the communities without Googling it) filled the auditorium. Much formailty ensued and motions were put forth.

I looked around the room to see my father’s sister with her boyfriend. My Dad’s good friend Yvan and friend had come. The “Edward Healey” camp was a bit thin.

We were informed that our time was cut short and we had 3 minutes to speak. I was called and approached the stage. I placed a photo of Dad up on the podium and let ‘er rip. Here is my speech, in it’s entirety, with the on-the-fly editing I had to do:

Honoured Pride Board, Nominees, Ladies and Gentlemen. My name is Ted Healey and I am here to nominate my father, Edward Healey, for Grand Marshal for Toronto Pride 2007.

My father can’t be here tonight because he is currently spending winter in Buenos Aries, and is draining my inheritance. I have an email from him confirming his acceptance to be nominated.

Who is Edward Healey and why vote for my father? First and foremost, it’s his 75th birthday this year and I have no idea what to get him. I figured a nice ride down Yonge street would be fun.

Seriously, Edward Healey is the perfect model towards which all gay persons should aspire and therefore the ideal person to be the Grand Marshal of this year’s Parade. He is a good parent, patient and understanding, and has proven through his volunteerism, leadership and availability to the community, that he does not suffer endless indecision and inaction. His commitment to honesty is a shining light for all who are hiding from themselves. To those who are living in fear, his life embodies the saying “The Truth shall set you free”

Edward was born in Lindsay, Ontario, 1932. Dad came of age in a conservative world that had assigned a very abject place to gay men, something he was aware of and fearful of, and that was one of the reasons that led him to get married. However, I believe that he and mother were genuinely happy together because all you have to do is look at the family photos, and there are five children to prove it.

I’d like to quickly mention my siblings because my father raised some great people:

My oldest brother, Dan, is a professor of Soviet Era Gay History at Swansea University, in the United Kingdom. In his youth, Dan’s activism paved the way for the privileges we take for granted today. He was ordained as a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence and was one of the many angry voices during protest of the Bathhouse raids while he studied at UofT. Dan is happily married to his husband, Mark, a year and a half now.

My oldest sister Michele is a Supervisor for the Anesthesiology department at the Calgary General Hospital. She tells me that in her life, she has learned from Dad never to be afraid of change.

My middle brother, John has taken up sales like my father did at his age and is regional sales manager for a high end line of electronics.

The brother just older than me, Michael, is the recipient of the Governor General Literary Award in 1999 for his play, The Drawer Boy. He is currently writer in residence at the Tarragon Theatre.

And me? I’m here, with my husband, to nominate my dad. I owe him so much and it’s the least I can do for him. He’s my best friend, my confidant, and role model.

At this point I was told I had 30 seconds to finish up. I skipped this paragraph, noting that Dad’s accomplishments were listed in the flyer handed out to the group within his bio blurb.

In the early 80s when my father came out, he entered into the Toronto Area Gays Coming Out Support Group, utilizing the first of many community services that were open to him at the time. From there, he flourished to an active member within the LGBT community. He has volunteered for ACT, stood by me in the rain as we hauled hors d’oeuvres into Moss Park for Fashion Cares and is currently an active volunteer and parishioner for MCCT. Edward has actively volunteered his time to the over-40s social group, Prime Timers Toronto for some time now. In fact, he has been president of Prime Timers “two and a half time”? (he tells me) and I am told that his peers have nominated him this year, to sit on the World Board of Prime Timers.

This is where I jumped to:

The beauty of dad’s ‘gay values’ lies in the fact that he never forgot to be a father first. In fact, perhaps discovering he had two gay sons helped him to be a better father. Dad’s commitment to his family and to our community has been strong and effective. He has been Unstoppable! Dad upholds the tenets of Pride and without a doubt should be recognized for his accomplishments.

In conclusion I ask that you consider whom, you should put at the front of the Pride Parade. Whether you choose “Person” or “Persona”, I ask that you choose honestly and with pride. Please vote for my father, Edward Healey.

We find out in a weeks time by press release on Pride Toronto’s site.

I would like to thank Yvan C for helping me slap this together with a week and a half  notice. And special thanks to Sharkboy for his support. He’s been great.

Good Luck Da!

Now There’s a Mental Image

Distractions

One of the comment spams my Akismet/Spam Karma combo just caught was entitled “Ass Parade”.

Daydreaming at my desk, I’m seeing streamers and flags coming out of rosy, hairy cheeks as the sun beams down on an excited and happy crowd! Children clamour around the parade barracades, hoping to catch candies tossed from the anuses (anii?) of the strolling foam rubber asses. Gaily coloured butts on trucks float by with a summer laziness as this year’s Ass Queen waves gently to the crowd. Oh and look! Here comes the marching band! Strike up a rousing tune for us! Toot! Toot! Is that Flabby Flat the Ass Clown? The crowd laughs hysterically as Flabby Flat trips over his own dragging bum and spills treats for the kids into the street.

I better get back to work.

Attention Readers/Feeders! I Need YOU There…

Personal Bits, Queer stuff

DadHey …uh … bloggosphere… I need your attention for a moment.

I mentioned a couple days ago that I’ve nominated my Dad to be Grand Marshal for this year’s Pride Parade, right?

I need a favour of you. I need all of you reading this blog to show up at the 519 on Tuesday, February 27th, 7pm (519 Church Street, just north of Wellesley). I know I’m up against impossible odds going against the popular Michele DuBarry, and I respect her and her accomplishments but I really want this for my father. She can run next year, but my dad’s 75th birthday only comes once.

I’ve never begged before but I’m on my knees here. If anything, please link to this post so that word gets around T.O. I need to get bodies into that auditorium and vote for my father. If you know him, then this is a no-brainer. If you don’t, trust me, you’re backing the right horse.

Why Edward Healey? Because he’s a prime example of the saying “The Truth Shall Set You Free”. He married early, did the dutiful oldest son thing of having 5 kids and raised them as a good parent should. Then he came out of the closet while living in a small town of 20,000. He never stopped being my father after that, despite the opportunity to run off an live his new life. In fact, he became my best friend and a positive roll model as fathers should be. At 75 there is no stopping him: he volunteers for MCCT, The Gardiner Museum and is active with the Toronto chapter of Prime Timers. Want to know more? Come to the 519 on Tuesday and hear me give a (hopefully) moving speech that will sway the crowd to vote for my Da.

What’s in it for you? Know that you’d be voting for a person, not a persona

More Pride Parade info here.

Fall To Your Knees!

Celebs and Media, Toronto

Walking along Carlton this morning in the near white out snow, Sharkboy and I are silenced by a flash of light.

“Was that a blown transformer?” asks Sharkboy.

“I dunno…” I say.

THUNDERCLAP

Yup. In the middle of this snowstorm, a bolt of lightning brightened the sky and was followed by a roll of thunder.

“OH MY GOD,” I yell, “HE WAS RIGHT! WE’RE SORRY WE DOUBTED YOU AL GORE! TELL US WHAT TO DO!! SAVE US!”

Technology Adds Nothing To Art

Celebs and Media

Technology adds nothing to art. Two thousand years ago, I could tell you a story, and at any point during the story I could stop, and ask, Now do you want the hero to be kidnapped, or not? But that would, of course, have ruined the story. Part of the experience of being entertained is sitting back and plugging into someone else’s vision.

– Penn Jillette.

Apparently you’re not adding much to “art” either. Would you like to continue with your career?

My Father, Grand Marshal

Celebs and Media, Personal Bits, Queer stuff

This year will be my father’s 75th birthday. Still spry and active, he’s currently in Buenos Aries getting away from our harsh winter. While he’s away I got the brilliant idea to nominate him for Grand Marshal for this year’s Pride Parade. What a fitting birthday gift! I culled together the siblings and friends and had them write up a few lines of memories, feelings, thoughts that would help me with my case when I stand before the board of directors of Pride Toronto. I’m optimistic that Da has a chance.

That is, until I opened this week’s Xtra and learned that Michelle DuBarry is running and has an ad in that paper (Colour! Not cheap!) and a glowing letter to the editor from a past GM gushing that to choose a drag queen as Marshal was the best thing since slingbacks.

Uhoh.

In my heart I know my dad is the ideal candidate. Not that I have anything against Miss DuBarry, but come on! She had all this time to apply, why now? I’m worried that the cult of celebrity will ensure Miss DuBarry’s win in this situation. I wonder if I can appeal to her to run next year?