From my DeadRobot online comic, an oldie but a wierdy: my first random Haiku generators. The sound is a bit whacked out loud. Turn it on at your own risk.

Nasty Tuna Company
Sales and Marketing Division
Richmond BC, Canada

To Whom It May Concern,

Today I tried your new product, Yummy Tuna Salad, Salad OLE! for the first time and used the small spoon included with the packaging. I purchased it because of the compact nature of your product, making it easy to transport for lunch and have a minimum of plastic waste, while the can itself can be recycled.

On the third spoonful, I cut the inside of my upper lip while using the spoon provided. The outlying edge of the plastic spoon is so sharp it cut me when I pulled it from my mouth.

The bleeding stopped within a few moments. The injury was very much like a paper cut as that the edge sliced the skin within my mouth clean and quickly as I drew the spoon out with my lips pressed over the utensil. I would expect people to use caution when opening the pull top can of your product since the top is a potential threat for cuts – I grew up in an age of “dangerous consumer goods” like pull top sodas and such, but I never expected the actual utensil you provided to offer injury with it’s intended use.

I am very concerned that this happened. I am considering my options as that I have purchased a large pack of your product from Costco and would not want this to happen again to myself or to anyone else.

I could use my own utensils when using your product but seeing how the provided spoon was part of the selling point for the purchase of your product, I feel that some compensation is required. While my injury was small, I suspect this is not the first complaint you have had regarding this product.

I would like some acknowledgement of this email and a suggested course of action.

Thank you
Dead Robot

Today, I got a coupon for $1 off their tuna, a sushi cook book and a cheque for $5.

I’m going out to buy KLIK!

Sung to the tune of Georgie Girl:

Hey there! Underwearguy!
Standing in the shower still wearing your gitch
Dont you know that we can still see your junk
I guess religiously hiding your dick can be a bitch.

Hey there! Underwearguy!
Why do you always wear your y-fronts while you wash?
Don’t you realize your elastics are shot and we still get flashes of your ugly cock?
Don’t flatter yourself you’re not a prize
So shed those big diapers and don’t be shy!

What would good dramatic movie lines be like if they had a fey-like comedic interjection, much like Stephen Stucker’s character, Johnny, from the movie Airplane!

I think it would go something like this… doodley doo doodely doo doodley doo…

300

Leonidas: Spartans! Eat hearty your breakfast! For tonight! We! Dine! In! Hell!
Johnny: Are we going to Olive Garden?!

Babel

Richard: [To other tourists.] You leave, I’ll kill you. I’ll kill you!
Johnny: Oh sister! You couldn’t kill Britney Spears’ career!

Children of Men

Theodore Faron: I can’t really remember when I last had any hope, and I certainly can’t remember when anyone else did either. Because really, since women stopped being able to have babies, what’s left to hope for?
Johnny: Oh honey, ditch the skirts. I’ll show you life after labia.

Sophie’s Choice

Sophie: When you live a good life, like a saint, and then you die.
Johnny: Oh lord! You sound just like my mother! God rest her glue huffing soul!

Planet of the Apes (1968)

George Taylor: Doctor, I’d like to kiss you goodbye.
Dr. Zira: All right, but you’re so damned ugly.
Johnny: Excuse me Miss 6 O’clock shadow? You’re no prize either.

I’ve had these poems floating around my head for a few days now. Please, gentle readers, enjoy their imagery and beautious serenity*:

Saturday Night

The clamps! Just on
my areola
just there is the
power on? Not
yet I’m not ready

Okay.

Go.

Ohjesusnoturnitofffuckowowowow
Imeanitturnitoffnowitfuckinghurts
safewordIdon’trememberjustdoit
Ifuckingmeanitturnitoffnowfucker

oh

ow.

do it again.

____________

Starseed

See the truth as it shines across our memory
it glows green and

blue

I am before you
a mystical mage

The sun behind my head
defining my age

An empty stage
engage!

Our thing we share
I have it on tape.
I play it back at old technoparties

You’re glowing.

__________

P2P in this day and age

If your face was the internet

I’d be guilty of file swapping

our love

Via Russian servers.

Suck it RIAA!

*Before you go all “Holy shit, Ted! That sucked more ass than a gay German porn star.” yes, it’s a joke.

To: dr@deadrobot.com

From: thawscoming@renu-u.com

Date: 2015.03.02
Subject: Late Payment – Opening Enables Tracking
—————————————————
Dear Mr Robot,

It has come to our attention that your last two payments for your Nicey Icey Superior Storage Fees has been returned to us NSD. We here at ReNu-U want to ensure your future longevity by continuing to provide superior cryogenic protection of your stem cells. Of course, without consistent payment coming from your PLC we are put in a difficult position.

As you know the Longevity Act 902c states that we are to give you 6 months notice before termination of our services. At that time we are in full rights to sell your stem cells to markets overseas or to inferior third party medical research centres. We would not want you, as a valued client, to experience DNA harvesting and be unable to continue your lineage as nature meant it to be. Please be advised that we are in full rights to inform you that your payments are 2 months in arrears. We have also leagally placed a section of your markers up on eDNA.com to initiate sale of your cells, if you are unable to provide us with full payment.

If you have helioed your payment already, please delete this message (be assured that in deletion, we are in full rights to monitor your deletion).

Thank you and Long Life!

Fatima Johanneson
Accounts and Retention
ReNu-U
Prefecture RickMercer #7
Toronto Prime, District of Ontario

One of the comment spams my Akismet/Spam Karma combo just caught was entitled “Ass Parade”.

Daydreaming at my desk, I’m seeing streamers and flags coming out of rosy, hairy cheeks as the sun beams down on an excited and happy crowd! Children clamour around the parade barracades, hoping to catch candies tossed from the anuses (anii?) of the strolling foam rubber asses. Gaily coloured butts on trucks float by with a summer laziness as this year’s Ass Queen waves gently to the crowd. Oh and look! Here comes the marching band! Strike up a rousing tune for us! Toot! Toot! Is that Flabby Flat the Ass Clown? The crowd laughs hysterically as Flabby Flat trips over his own dragging bum and spills treats for the kids into the street.

I better get back to work.

Yes. I’m juvenile. Turn up your sound.

It’s Friday and you need to slack off in your cube. This flash-face thingy amused me! (../../via newly blogrolled Justin Kozuch, PxlEight)

Clicka the head above and get a desktop image I made.